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Honey is Sweet I'm off - 2010-09-02 I'm grateful for: things changing; a new year, I am *so* ready to be finished with the old one!; a chance to get away, scary, but stil a blessing. I'm off for a few days. Going to this conference at the Dead Sea. It should be fun - I hope. I am so scared about this it is silly. I'm afraid of going away, afraid of meeting new people, afraid that it will be too crowded, too confusing. Heck, I can spend the whole time sleeping since I am so sleep deprived, if that's the worst that can happen. It's a European conference, so there should be people there from all over, and the official language of the conference is English, so I should be able to talk to and understand most of them. I don't know why this is so scary. But it is. I come back from the conference Saturday after sundown, and Sunday is a day off (TH isn't going in to work). Monday is going to be figuring out everything we need and need to do for the holiday, and shopping. Tuesday RS and D3 and I have appointments for acupuncture and then it is Rosh Hashanah. I will enjoy it when it gets here but for right now it gives me no pleasure. It's too far away on the other side of too many things. I got really angry at TH last night, and I'm not sure why. I'm sure lack of sleep contributed, but there is something else going on in me. He was being a butt-head, but that doesn't explain the anger. I dunno. Maybe the days away will allow me to figure it out. I'm also really worried about sharing a room with FB for the conference. It will be the first real time he and I have spent together in years. And I discover - I am still really angry with him, and hurt. Mostly hurt. I just don't know how to deal with that. I don't know whether I should say something or keep my mouth shut, I don't know if I say something, what I should say. I'll have to leave it up to Hashem I guess. Sometimes it is easier to stay angry at someone than to have to deal with them for sure. With MMF, I am not still angry at her, not really, but it certainly is easier not dealing with her. It's a bit scary, too. No one to tell my grody flashbacks to. But then, no dealing with her insanity, her hurtful assumptions, her sudden attacks. I feel bad about it all, but I really don't see that there is anything I can do about it. Time will heal this one, or it won't, or Hashem will do something or He won't. *I* can't. She seems - according to the one email I've had from her - to believe that somehow it is all my fault - that I got angry (which I didn't - at least not at that time) and she got 'caught in the middle.' WTF? This is SO not my problem, and I'm better off out of it. Still, it's kind of sad that our long friendship is brought to this. Well, it will pass or it won't. There it is. I'd better get going. I'll be bringing my laptop with me, but don't know if I will have the ability or any chance to get online. 1 bleats so far:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::
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