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Honey is Sweet

w3qq - 2009-03-30

Six thirty in the a.m. I can't believe I'm awake. I've been awake for an hour and a half, after sleeping something less than three hours. This is not sane, this is not right.

I'd like, as long as I'm awake, to be doing something useful and worthwhile, but I have a sleeping Kitten on my lap, and heaven knows I don't want to disturb her (kidding, but cute).

I feel pretty awful between the ears, and I blame it on spending way too many hours with a visitor who is dishonest (in the way of not being self-aware, so she says things about herself and what she believes and intends that are absolutely not true) and judgmental. It was not a pleasant visit for me despite us having a large number of superficial things in common.

I had to play nice because she is the mother of the girl that S1 met and I think wants to marry - although he insists we not call her is girlfriend, until they've had an official date. Sometimes the young guys are so cute... ;-)

The mom has a stranglehold on access, girl doesn't have her own phone, or access to a phone, doesn't have her own email account, doesn't get to go out without mom or dad's say-so. She is (according to mom) mildly retarded... not enough to qualify as disabled, but enough to make her be treated as a minor requiring care, despite being an adult chronologically. I'm not complaining or saying that this is wrong, I don't know enough of the situation. Just sort of outlining how I ended up being 'friendly' with someone for hours today as I became less and less enchanted with her as a person.

There are some people you just don't want to get to know better.

Well, I am sure she means well, that she loves her kids, that there is much that is admirable about her. I'm sure that we will enjoy playing 'Boggle' which she brought to my house to play, and promised to bring back next time, as we hadn't an opportunity. I may even read one of the books she brought me, if I find myself really desperate for light reading. I'm sure that some of my negative feelings are influenced by her calling me 'coward' as she was leaving, when I suggested we not try communicating by email if at all possible.

Anyway, the visit is over, we seem to have passed muster, and so S1 will get to see the daughter again, perhaps to fall in love and get married, perhaps just to enjoy talking to a girl who shares many of his interests, who understands what it is like to not quite 'fit' into society at large, and who thinks he is wonderful. :-)

The other thing that may be disturbing my composure, but is less likely to be a long term problem, is that I told my story at a meeting tonight, a meeting for survivors of the sort of traumatic childhood that I was lucky enough to experience. It was very difficult for some reason. I was definitely pulling teeth, and it didn't help that someone walked out of the meeting while I was talking. I'm upset at the rudeness and upset that I may have driven her away. yes, I know I am not that powerful, but I've been accused, way too many times, of driving or scaring people off not to be a little bit gunshy.

Oh, and something else that is probably working to unhinge my composure is a really unpleasant conversation with D1, in which she came bloody close to calling me a liar, and said some da**ed inconsiderate and even downright cruel things.

It has not been a good week in terms of contact with people outside the immediate family here.

And today I am going to visit a friend from my old community of Karnei Shomron with whom I don't often have easy conversations. On the plus side, TH will be there (I believe). On the minus side, I'm already reeling a bit.

Kitten is helping to remind me that I have much to be smiling and happy about. If I can manage to get a bath or shower, preferably with my hair washed today, it will go a long way towards improving my mood as well. Conversations with RS about recognizing our right to be angry at people who smilingly insult us, and with FB about the need to avoid people who make us feel bad about ourselves are also helping me to stay on a relatively even keel. Writing here is clearing some of the dreck out from between my ears. I intend to enjoy myself as much as possible, to have a happy day despite so many contrary currents.

Last night S2 and I stayed up WAy late, we started after midnight, to work on our Hebrew. He is still leaving me in the dust, but both of us are making progress, so I am not entirely discouraged. I even remembered that first person plural verbs in the future tense start with a 'nuhn' which is a huge breakthrough for me, to remember anything at all about the future tense. It went very well and was fun, too.

I have an extra dog sleeping with me. Balta, our rather huge Australian sheep dog has taken to sleeping under my bed whenever she can manage it. She is extremely large, so much so that someone got into an argument with D2, insisting that Balta couldn't possibly be an Australian sheep dog because of her size. She is a few inches larger (taller) than the range given in describing the breed, but if her mother was an Australian sheep dog, and her father was an Australian sheep dog (which they both were), then I don't see how you can say she is anything else.

So my room could be a wee bit crowded with so many of us living here, but Balta stays under the bed, and Chamudah, Kitten and I manage to fit on top of the queen-size without undue crowding. Mostly. Somehow all the blankets seem to end up under Chamudah (a very sort-legged half-l


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