I'm grateful for: a family night out; sleeping at night; no phonecalls from the family

Things are starting to speed up here again. Meaning that I'm feeling a bit rushed and like there is more to do than there is time, with the stress and worry and inevitable pushing myself too hard. So, I'm going to try and keep on just doing the right thing and not to get insane about it all. For as long as I can.

I will get caught up in the shoulds. I will try and make myself do things I am really not physically up to. And I will end up getting insane again. It is the nature of the beast. It's been really nice the last week or more, having just turned everything over to the care of Hashem, and watching what unfolds. I wish I could do that forever, but I guess I'm just not there yet. It's easy to not push myself when I know I am powerless to do all the things I 'should.' Much harder when it starts to seem possible, by a little pushing, to keep up with the shoulds.

This is really the biggest reason to move the hell out of this neighborhood. It's a place where the shoulds rule. The only way to avoid being 'should on' is to avoid the neighbors as much as possible, not to let on that I am capable of more than lying around like a lump, and generally not participating in life in the ways that I can. Otherwise, the expectations start.

I have found that other people's expectations can kill me. If I let them.

John found a place. A truly wonderful place which sounded like a perfect landing spot for us right up until I found out it is in a spot likely to be 'evacuated' if they start uprooting communities again.

Maybe I'm insane to even be trying to control whether or not I end up in someplace 'safe' from Olmert. Nowhere in Israel is safe from the man, really. He's a lunatic. A frothing at the mouth fanatic who truly hates at least 1/12th of the population of Israel.

So, okay, I give up on controlling that for the moment. If we leave that out of it, and the busses turn out to run at reasonable intervals (John says they do, but he doesn't have to get to Tel Aviv by 7am as Havva does sometimes), then it could very well be the perfect place. We're going out there Monday afternoon, Hashem willing, to visit and see a sheep-shearing festival they put on. See how perfect it is?

Lessee, I wrote in my Ladybugge diary about my uncle having committed suicide. He shot himself in the head. It was planned, well planned, he would be good at that sort of planning.

Last night was the first night in a *long* time that no one phoned me after midnight. Diana would have met mother and gone to the memorial service. I can only assume that she didn't get away from mother to phone until rather late their time. I will no doubt hear about it soon - possibly today. I am perfectly happy that my sister should drop out of sight and not talk to me for more than a week, but I doubt I will be so lucky. And there is the telephone meeting tomorrow.

We ended up having an impromptu family outing last night. It was lots and lots of fun. The day was not promising from the start. It was supposed to be a swimming day only the technician scheduled to install the dishwasher in the morning, the dentist put us down for noon (John and I), and Hans had a driving lesson.

Not going swimming was not a promising start to the day. And when John was getting ready to head off to work, and we talked about the technician who was due to show up in the morning, and my lack of sleep (after Diana called with the latest news) and so on, he ended up deciding not to go to work for the half day. Which I believe (hope) was the reason for his insane behaviour for the rest of the day, but who knows about that?

So John drove Havva to the train station and Hans to catch a bus to his driving lesson, and came back home, and stressed, and I slept until we had to leave for the dentist. At the last minute we ended up bringing Simcha and Eliyahu with us. I was going to try and have the bloody crown fitted already on the tooth that had a root canal more than two months ago. John needed a temporary crown for one that fell off.

We left late and he drove like an absolute idiot. That we didn't get into a bad accident at least twice is no thanks to him. The dentist's new office is up a couple of half-flights of stairs to add to the excitement, but I made it okay. The kids and I watched really bad cartoons on cable TV while John got his work done.

Then it was my turn, and it was absolutely amazing. He had to keep me in the chair for longer than expected because some metal thing he was trying to fix around my tooth fought back and fought back and so on. I had a grody flashback or two. Literally 'flashbacks', they lasted at most a few moments. And it was pretty much pain-free and stress free. That is a miracle. For me at the dentist.

It's all very expensive also.

We got out of there in good time, and Hans phoned to meet us for a ride home. Hans had not had a good day. He lost it at the driving lesson. He had the good sense and self-command (Barukh Hashem!) to pull the truck over and set the parking break, and then fall apart.

The driving instructor seems to have been kind enough about it, but since his method of trying to help was to give Hans a cup of coffee (thick, dark, middle-eastern coffee with the grounds in) with two heaps of sugar, it didn't actually do anything in terms of helping Hans calm down.

So Hans met us in Ra'anana, a wreck, nervy, upset. I said to him: this is a good time to phone the soldier and talk about getting out of the army. He told me he didn't feel up to it, and I told him I wasn't trying to push him, but when he doesn't feel up to it is the best time to convince his soldier that he doesn't belong in the army. Then I left him alone for a few minutes. We shopped at a grocery store in Ra'anana which specifically stocks American food for the local population. Lots of money, but happy kids with things like oatio's (cheerios without the sugar), and puffins (another cold cereal), and snickers bars and fruit leather.

After a few minutes, Hans took out his phone and made the call. He was upset, shaking and in no shape to cope with his broken Hebrew/his soldier's broken English. He tried to explain what was up, which meant going back to explain why he hadn't taken the test on Sunday in order to explain why he had a driving lesson - and, well, the call didn't go well.

It was perfect. Hans didn't completely lose it at the soldier, he didn't yell at him or hit anything, but he was clearly holding together by a thread. Then I told John to phone Hans' soldier Right Now! and talk to him about Hans not being suitable for the army. And he did. I comforted and reassured Hans (you did a wonderful job!, it's just what was needed), and John told the soldier that this isn't working, Hans is getting worse, and that they really don't want him in the army. The last I heard was that the soldier is going to find out what the procedure is to begin getting him released from service. It's called a 'deferment' but no one expects Hans to come back and do his service later.

As awful as it was for Hans, it was truly great. Hans does not belong in the IDF. And if pushing him to act out a little more than he otherwise might is hard on him, it's better than having to do three years in a situation he simply can't cope with.

On that note, we headed home with our American food treats. I'm not sure exactly when the plan was hatched that the three of them (Hans, Simcha and Eliyahu) would go to the movie theatre with John and I (and Havva) but it could well have been then.

We had to go home, and have supper. The technician had shown up, hooked the dishwasher up to the drain, but not to the water supply, and left. So John got that taken care of. He is so good at that sort of thing. Anything around the house he can take care of - as long as it doesn't involve people or cleaning.

I ended up inviting Neil to come with us also. Havva had been invited to come to the theatre with us before, because she was scheduled for guard duty, and if she was let off she would be coming through Ra'anana just as we were going that way anyway. Zechy was perfectly happy - oh, so happy - to stay home having the entire house to himself and the dog.

So at an appropriate time, we loaded up the van (so wonderful to be able to put the whole family into one vehicle) and headed off to pick up Havva and watch X3. Havva had apparently had a good day. The younger kids were excited and happy, Hans was still shaky. John tried to kill us a few more times on the way there, but we made it anyway.

Parking was fun. Everyone else in the country, or at least in the centre, seems to have had the same idea. Although that can't be true, because it was the same time as the Roger Waters' concert. So maybe a whole lot of people parked their cars at the kenyone and tramped to the concert? I dunno. We did find parking, we went upstairs and went to the food court.

We had brought Havva some 'real' clothes to change into, and she dashed off to do that. I got us some of the yummy fresh fruit shakes they do here. I can't explain, but I've never seen anything like it in the states. Simcha got Strawberry-Banana with milk and I got a shake that was based on kiwi in orange juice and also had mango, melon, and pineapple, along with a host of other fruit I didn't get to identify.

Hans wandered off to grab a slice of pizza, while Havva came back, and got herself a plate of pasta for supper. While we were sitting around waiting to go into the theatre, we ended up discussing how Philip's memorial service with Dick Cheney and Woolsley, and (I can't remember the other 'big' name who was to speak there) would be happening just at that time. Havva said: I can't tell you how much it gratifies me to know that that is going on while we are here. It took me a moment, but oh, yeah. We were out on a fun, happy family outing and entirely missing the whole circus. Yippee!

Eventually we got into the movie. John almost pushed me down the theatre steps in the wheelchair, which finally provoked me into ripping into him. He said he was just stressed and I said: Other people who are stressed eat chocolate. They bang their heads against the wall or pace or play music or throw things. You, when you are stressed try to kill me.

Truth is - and yes, I am slow - I doubt it has anything to do with stress per se. I think he was pissed at me about something. Yeah, duh. Like I said, I'm slow. But, you know what? It's not my job to play shrink and coax it out of him and show him the error of his ways, insofar as it's better to openly acknowledge you are pissed at someone than to stuff it and have it come out sideways. All my job is is to make sure that if he is hurting or harming me (or threatening me with hurt or harm) that I take care of myself to ensure my safety. Zeh oh (that's all). And he can go fuck himself if he thinks I am going to 'coax' him into telling me what he's mad about, and tell him it's 'okay.' Fuck that, fuck him, and the gddamn frozen bitch he rode in on (that would be his mother, not me, thank you very much. I am many, many things, including a bitch, but frozen? No. Very much no).

So anyway, movie was much better than I had expected. It was fun. Eliyahu managed to stay in the theatre for the whole thing even though some of the scary parts were pretty darned scary for a little guy. The theatre was empty enough he could bounce up and down in his seat and not disturb anyone else, and full enough that the noises we made were less than those made by the teenagers necking behind us and playing video games on their cellphones in front of us.

Afterward - the highest praise - Hans said he couldn't think of a better way to end the day.

We did have to stop briefly to pick up some dishwasher detergent, and milk and peanut butter and ketchup, but then it was all home, and filling our new dishwasher, and getting little ones to bed, no problem there.

John sent off about three more jobs, and went to bed, and I followed him around 1am, the phone not having rung yet. I went to sleep at night! !! And woke up around 8am. Not a full night's sleep, but how can I possibly complain? I don't feel fully rested, but this is SO much better than it's been.

Now I've had breakfast. John has cut Eliyahu's hair (at Eliyahu's request). Hopefully he has gone out for fruit and veg - he'd been intending to for the last two hours already. Simcha is awake and I want to go downstairs and do the next right thing, whatever that might be. Probably just moving to the big computer. Oh, well. It's up to Hashem.

I'm listening to someone honking his horn repeatedly out my bedroom window

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06