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Honey is Sweet Fighting with John - 2007-02-27 I'm grateful for: Joyce; having some self-respect; winning the game of Eurorails, closely. Whatever else happened today, and I'm sure there must've been something, the biggest thing is the fight I had with John tonight. I don't know why it is the biggest thing, other than that it is taking up an awful lot of space in my head. It wasn't anything new. He did say something breathtakingly nasty - I wonder what is up that both he and Neil have come up with the most special mean things to say to me. I think maybe they don't like me very much... you think? I told John point blank he doesn't give a shit about me. He doesn't. I'm trying to find a way to accept this. Not like it, maybe not even tolerate it, but accept it. Because it is what is. So I don't do myself or anyone else any favours by pretending otherwise. John spends his life trying to pretend it's not true. I've reached the point I don't even know why. I don't believe he actually cares whether or not he cares about me. Maybe it's just a habit? I have no clue. I know I don't want to be around people who say mean things to me. Thank goodness for the most part I don't have to. I don't know if I've ever written here (apologies if I have and am repeating myself) about how, when I was in my early twenties, I decided I didn't want to talk to people who were mean to me any more. And all of these people, my 'friends' told me that if I didn't talk to people who were mean to me, I wouldn't have anyone to talk to. Nice, huh? Fortunately I gave it a try. Fortunately, they were wrong. I've actually spent the last twenty years, since then, working on getting mean people out of my life as much as I can. Unfortunately, when some of those mean people are your mother, your sister, your brother and your husband - in short all of the family you have in the world besides children - it's not so easy to cut them out of your life. One good thing that has happened is that my sister has not only recognized and acknowledged that she was being mean, she has taken steps to change. I get impatient and aggravated and irritated with her a lot, I need to remember how very far she has come. She has her wacko moments, but mean she hasn't been. Neil and John seem for the most part to take turns. One of them is being the 'good guy' while the other one is being an asshole. Then they switch. On extremely rare occasions (thank you Gd) they are both assholes at the same time. I can't remember a time when they were both being good guys at the same time. Doesn't mean it hasn't happened, but I can't remember one. It's made me feel like I can't afford to kick one or the other one out of my life. Since one of them is being my emotional support while the other one is kicking my knees out from under me, what would I possibly do without the emotional support that I DO get from them? Well, I guess I am going to find out. With Neil gone it's back to being John the asshole and me. And with Neil gone John seems to be being more of an asshole - like he has more opportunity, or he has to make up the gap left by Neil's assholery moving out. Don't mind me, I am a bit angry and bitter at the moment. So I told John tonight, a while after his really special zinger, that he should remember that when Neil said something equally nasty, I kicked him out. And he should think about that. I think I'm willing to try life with absolutely NO one being mean to me. I'd like to give it a try. Besides mother of course. *sigh* Well, she's thousands of miles away and can only be nasty by email or snail mail. And really, there just aren't any new or breathtakingly nasty zingers she can come up with. She's used them all. Repeatedly. Familiarity really does breed contempt. In case anyone was wondering. Mind you, I don't expect strangers and chance met acquaintances to necessarily not be mean. You always get to run into these people in gub'ment offices or shops who just can't keep their meanness to themselves. That's cool. I don't have a problem with that (I mean I don't like it and all, but...). What I want is not to live with meanness. Not to have it as an expected part of my everyday life. What do you think, is it possible? Just wondering. Other than that I barely remember the day. I sat at the computer, I watched a Star Trek episode, and I sat at my computer. And I took a nap. Oh, the excitement, oh the humanity! A nurse from B'tuach Leumi called and said she was coming over tomorrow. Didn't say when. Morning probably. Early, possibly. Didn't say why. I am nervous now. I wonder what's up? Are they coming to investigate and see if I'm a deadbeat cheating the system and really able to do all that AB (Able-Bodied) people do? Or is she coming to offer services (I fear I don't dare hope). I suppose I should be grateful that I am doing reasonably poorly in honour of her visit. *sigh* I am quite nervous. At least it is tomorrow, I don't have a lot of time to fret about it. Have I mentioned that my cat is adorable? Joyce, my great-great-grandmother cat (add greats) is curled up on my bed with her head upside down tucked under a paw. Looking very sweet. I really love it when she sleeps with me - it is a gift almost every time. I'd best try to get some sleep for the nurse tomorrow. I wonder what is up? I wonder if she speaks any English? *sigh* I wonder if I will ever be able to function in Hebrew. Well, good night. I'm listening to Steve Goodman: Would You Like To Learn To Dance? 0 bleats so far:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::
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