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Honey is Sweet Emotion - 2007-07-02 I'm grateful for: having a good cry, or two, or three; sleeping a bit better; sorting some things out in my room. Hans called. He called on shabbos and left a message, saying he hadn't actually wanted to talk to anyone right away. He is being discharged from the army. Actually he and his best friend are being discharged together. They are apparently being discharged for 'failure to adjust' to the army. I'm not entirely sure what that is supposed to mean, but I think that the fact that he and his best friend are the only non-xtians in the unit is definitely not unrelated. Hans said something - nothing definite, and he's not the type to relate such tales in detail - which gives me reason to believe the other fellows in the unit didn't respond well to his being Jewish. Or the drill sargeant. Apparently Hans had sent us letters which told more detail, but we haven't received any of them (yet?). Only time will tell if any of them show up. I know he is not happy about this, quite probably heart-broken. He won't tell us that, either. At least he and his best friend will be together. Maybe that is why they had to go through this, to meet each other. Only time will tell. The lesson is that if you want an uneventful life, don't have children. Or something like that. I got a letter today from a friend back in the states. Someone I hadn't been able to write back to for a long time (more than a year) and I just figured he was gone out of my life, like so many people. I didn't read the letter, just glanced and the last, or second-to-last line caught my eye, about only being able to cope one day at a time, and I just started sobbing. Some people have the ability to say something, and it may not even matter what it is or how trite, and suddenly it makes everything okay. Not okay like 'it's okay the state took your grandchildren away' but okay like 'it's okay to fall apart and cry your eyes out for a while about everything, before you pick yourself up again and trudge onward.' I just hurt so much right now, physically, emotionally, spiritually. There is so much going on that I can't help, I can't even say anything, I can't fix my broken body, I can't even talk to my oldest son, I can't do anything to help Zechy or Jessica right now, I can't do anything really useful around the house. John wants to (or at least kept talking about it) stay home from work tomorrow and take me to the dr. I don't want him to. I need to go to the damn dr. I don't really think I can manage tomorrow by myself here, but I don't want it. I just want to be able to have a fucking life. I want John to be able to have a fucking life that isn't dancing on attendance to all of my needs and doing all the things that I want to be 'my' jobs around the house. I am so sad. I can't even bring myself to read my friend's letter, I know I'm not up to the emotional outpouring right now. I need to be able to fall apart a bit, and then pull myself together a bit, before I can handle even one more thing. I'm afraid I won't get the chance, as Hashem keeps piling more and more things on me. It's about a quarter to one, and Simcha can't sleep. One more thing I have to try not to worry about... It's so ironic, at one point today everything was feeling kind of easy. Laid back. I can't even remember when, or how it felt like that. It's kind of proof that me feelings are not necessarily a reflection of reality as I can feel such very different things within a few hours and nothing has actually changed. Doesn't mean my feelings aren't real or don't count. It does mean I should really take a good hard look at things before I try to change anything to make me feel better. I had to type that word four times before I got it right. The fingers just aren't cooperating. I am going to try to get some sleep. Two nights of about eight hours' sleep and some part of me is ready to start pulling all nighters again. Crazy. I am not a teenager anymore. I'm listening to The Moody Blues: The Voice 0 bleats so far:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::
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