I'm grateful for: a meeting; new books read and being read; the fact that it cools off at night here most nights.

We read today. I mean really read. John finished reading aloud Tales From Silver Lands, a delightful book written in the 1920's for children, and then he and Zechy took turns reading aloud from Feet Of Clay by Terry Pratchett. They finished almost half the book in one day. Yeaaa! That was fun.

I have a new music cd, but I doubt I can put the name of it here. It's Hebrew, the music from Egypt or someplace similar, the artist is Israeli, I think. I really enjoyed listening to it. Not a favourite, but something I am happy to have added to my music library.

I've also started reading Bitter Gold Hearts by Glen Cook. I needed to take a break from Eneas McNulty. Still a very good book, but not a particularly fast read, and I need to stop at certain points and just digest it for a little bit. No problem about that with Glen Cook. And John (The Husband) is waiting to get to read them, so it's for him too, I suppose.

I had something of a breakthrough with him tonight. He was being rather (particularly) dick-headed. For example: he leaned his weight on his elbow into my left kidney (you know, where the uti pain is?). Jerk. I actually figured out before saying anything to make it worse that having done this thing (last in a series of awful) he immediately reverted to his 'little boy trying to make nice with mama' behaviour. You know, bringing me little 'gifts' and hovering around - not offering anything of himself but clearly wanting to be patted and told it was all right. It was NOT all right, and I didn't say it. I also didn't argue with him, talk to or at him, try to make him see that his behaviour was a problem, but worse the way he reacted when his problem behaviour was pointed out to him is what makes everything so hellish around here.

I said a brief prayer, and ended up sending him off to bed, nothing more said. Nothing more to be said. His behaviour is unconscionable. I know that. He knows that. There is no excuse. I know that. He knows that. His behaving like a little boy who's afraid his mommy is angry at him is his problem. I am not his mommy, and whether or not I am angry at him, the issue is his behaviour in the first place.

If Eliyahu leaned on me thoughtlessly and hurt me, I would probably yell as I did when John leaned on me, and he would probably apologize and be very upset - whether about hurting me or being yelled at or both I don't even know, but he would be upset and would try very hard not to do it again. I would pet and reassure him that he's not bad and I still love him and maybe even come up with a treat if he were still in bad skin.

Eliyahu (Third son, S3), is seven.

When TH hurts me, thoughtlessly or intentionally I cannot begin to guess, if I yell he immediately pretends to outraged innocence, he didn't do anything and I'm unfair/unreasonable to be yelling at him. Then if I point out to him exactly what he did and why the problem is what he did and not my reaction, he immediately reverts to this scared little boy stuff. Okay, there is no one who reads my diary who doesn't know that there is something very wrong with TH.

What is my problem is that his scared little boy behaviour INFURIATES me. So much so that I haven't been able to think clearly or respond with anything like sanity when he engages in it. Tonight at least I was able to keep thinking. Perhaps another time I will be able to formulate some plan of action that is more appropriate to improving the situation. I am glad at least that I was able to keep my mouth shut and let him have his little boy behaviour. It's not my job to change it or him. My job is to find ways to get my needs met, and retain my self-respect, while living with this severely damaged adult little boy.

Friday I made chocolate-chip bit cookies using Grandmother Elizabeth's recipe. Actually TH and Simcha (third daughter, D3) did the actual work under my direction. I still feel like *I* made them - neither TH nor D3 would have achieved anything like the result I got on their own. I'll try and post the recipe soon. They were so delicious! Just bite-sized, and full of goodness (as usual, whole wheat flour and honey and vanilla sweetened). Not to mention huge amounts of semi-sweet chocolate chips. I really prefer the semi-sweet, but you could use either fully sweetened or unsweetened if you prefered.

Anyway, I have to try and sleep. Tomorrow we (D3, Zechy (second son, S2) and I) are going to try to work on our Hebrew together again. Hashem willing. After which I have to go to Be'er Sheva for an ultrasound. S3 wants very much to go to the beach, with me. I doubt I can do it, but I'm keeping an open mind to the idea that I could try. Hashem willing, of course. Good night.

I'm listening to the fan, the washing machine filling, and the neighbours having a small party next door.

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06