I'm grateful for: at least the kids are better?; new dvd's of the original Star Trek series at 15NIS a pop; my new linen shirt, mostly ironed.

Apparently I spoke to soon - or cursed myself. I said I was getting better? Guess again. Woke up this morning with all kinds of crap in my chest, and wheezing like the proverbial busted accordian. Off to the dr. again shortly. *sigh* At least it is the Russian lady dr., who doesn't speak English but appears to be on my wavelength. At least we understood each other well enough despite no common language. And trying like hell not to feel sorry for myself.

I figured out today that my real problem, that is, my real emotional stress about being sick is that I have to constantly be worried about the effects on the kids. I have to worry because their lives are constantly being turned upside down by my latest illness/relapse. I worry because I am not able to do schoolwork or help them with research of even show them how to iron a shirt (I gave a sketchy description of what to do to D3 today, then had to go sit down). I worry because if I am short-tempered or upset about my sickness, then they get worries and tiptoe around me and try to 'fix' it for me - something they are incapable of doing, it's just this totally crappy body I was landed with.

I long for the opportunity to be sick and miserable in peace, without having to worry about anyone else. Just for a little while. I don't even know what it's like, to be sick and only have to worry about and take care of myself. I'm for damn sure ready to give it a try, though. I get so angry at TH because he doesn't shoulder everything so that I can just take care of me. For an hour, a day, one night. I could just as easily get angry at my mother, who of course never took care of me when I was sick and expected RS and I to take care of her regardless of what was going on for us. And, of course, she has never even offered to *try* to help out when either of us (RS and I) have been sick or struggling since we turned 19 or 20.

I'm trying instead to be angry at Hashem, who is responsible for this situation along with all others. His fault in particular because I did my best to turn my life over to His care, and this is what it is.

I'm really sick again, sweating, hot, my hair has got that stringy sick thing that hair does (how does it know that the body is sick, to go all yucky and stringy like that?). Weak, crap! I can't believe I am writing another laundry list of what is wrong with me.

Enough.

I'm listening to the dryer running in the next room.

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06