I'm grateful for: lovely birds; sleeping Kitten; all my wonderful children - where did the time go?

I woke up choking at about 3am and haven't been able to get back to sleep. *sigh* It's almost 5am now. We are supposed to be going to a picnic/cookout with assorted other homeschoolers today, and I am going to be falling asleep on my feet. I'd really just as soon stay home. I wonder what will happen?

Kitten is sleeping with me, and she has managed to sleep almost straight through, despite choking, and me needing to move about in the bed. She is a lovely kitten in truth. If I end up going to the picnic, I'll be bringing her with me. I hope that doesn't turn out to be the worst decision I've made in a while. It depends a bit on if other people bring their dogs, and a bit on how well Kitten handles all the extra excitement. Will she be able to nap or will she go all wild thing on me due to being over-tired and over-excited? Only time will tell.

My body has crashed on me. I am finding it hard to get out of bed, to move around, to stay upright. It makes it that much more appealing, the idea of skipping the picnic. I'll know better in a few hours, when the rest of the family is awake. It turns out that S1's girlfriend won't be coming (sick with a u.t.i., poor girl). So I expect he will opt to stay home.

I am wondering if I've lost weight. It's a stupid thing to waste time thinking about. I have no scale at home (last one was shattered by TH), and the last time I was at the dr.s office I'm pretty sure that the scale there wasn't accurate. I would like to lose weight. I am frighteningly close to 300lbs. What a ridiculous number that is! I'm over 125kg, that sounds better, but it's still too much. When I married TH I weighed 125lbs. - which was too little I will grant. I'm tall, and I can carry the weight. But still, it's not a happy number.

With an exciting history of being anorexic, starving myself for years, quite effectively, I generally try to avoid thinking about how much I weigh or specifically the numbers. Although, since I am no longer pregnant, nursing, or bleeding to death I could theoretically go back to starving myself with no ill effects. Just kidding.

I think.

Well, that's enough about that. I don't look at myself in the mirror much, either, but then I never did. I don't see things or people so much as gather visual impressions - none of which stick. I just don't process visual information well. I have *tried* to look at myself in the mirror, or to look at another person, and more than a glancing impression of what I or they look like. No luck.

Voices now, voices I can do. It can be hard on my interpersonal relations because people can spend a lot of time and money on how they look, and I completely miss it but react strongly to tones of voice and breathing patterns - as a for instance. So what I gather about them has absolutely nothing to do with the image they are trying to project. I also don't tend to 'type' people by what they wear or how they look - or not very much. I am aware of someone stooping rather than standing straight, or if they are wearing gobs of makeup. I'm not saying I judge them, but I am aware.

I'm rambling, nattering. My butt is sore and I wish I could lie down properly. I wish I could sleep. I've noticed lately that I can manage to leave one comment every time I go to d'land. I read all my byddies, but can only write a comment to one of them. It's better than not being able to connect at all. I just haven't enough brain for everything I need to do.

This is the last week I have S2 home. He's going in the army May fifth. It's close enough now to be triggering all sorts of reactions. Fear and awareness of approaching sadness are the two biggies. I'm also proud as anything of my son. I can't really believe that we've made it, all of us, and from where we were to this. All the kids alive, well, thriving, the four adult children all managing to somehow cope in this crazy world, the two youngers learning and growing and all. How on earth did this happen? I have no clue.

S3 had a really spectacular riding lesson today, so I heard. I couldn't go. TH wasn't there, either, having dashed off to the store for picnic supplies. According to the teacher he just did everything well, and she gushed over him. D3 couldn't go riding due to throwing up all night. She was better by midday, but weak from not enough food and drink, and the throwing up itself. She's better now. Something just disagreed with her I suppose. At least we don't need to worry about exotic flu strains on our isolated little rural moshav. Both cases of the big scary flu (in Israel) are in a city in the centre of the country. Not a chance - at least not unless it gets way more widespread than it is.

I was woken up this morning by the siren, and I feel bad that I didn't give it the attention it deserves. No siren today, today is a day of celebration. There were fireworks over Netivot tonight. I didn't see them, but D3 did. I miss so much being crippled. *sigh* It's a good thing I don't dwell on it. Much.

I really don't have anything to say, how I can type forever though... S2 and I had a good time reading one and a half Hebrew children's books together. A Tiger in Gold Pajamas (I translate loosely) and What Did You Bring Me? They are both sweet, and we are zooming through them - comparatively. I just really hope that S2 does okay with his Hebrew in the army. I'm worrying for nothing, the army copes with people with no Hebrew all the way up to native speakers, and in many different native tongues. It will be okay.

I'm still worrying.

I have scratches all over my body from Kitten. Legs, arms, shoulders, back, chest, neck. She got me a good one on or about my right cheekbone Monday night, but I was in the middle of ugly scene with TH at the time, so I didn't actually pay it much attention. Sweet thing, she doesn't mean to do it. And it is definitely better than grooming rabbits. Those animals can be seriously vicious.

Well, anyway. Oh, yes. Things with TH are all sorted out. Last night I worked through my own stuff, and then this morning he brought me a really, really nice candle. It's white and says 'I love you because...' and a whole lot of nice stuff. He was shaking and upset, really upset. Which I take as a good sign. I went through the step-by-step instructions of how to hold me again. It's only the second time, and this doesn't seem to be his forte. Um, yeah. But I believe we are on the way of someday him actually being able to come home to find me having had a bad day, and instead of getting his a**hole on, maybe even just coming in and holding me BEFORE all heck has to break loose. Yeah, I am an incurable optimist, I know.

I've got to stop, it hurts to much to keep typing like this. Aren't I just full of joy? But the birds are singing (not MY birds, just birds) and I suspect the sky is getting lighter. Which means any minute now I'll be assaulted by dogs, husband, children, or some combination of all three.

Happy Birthday Israel. 61 years. Wow.

G'night, or g'morning all y'all.

I'm listening to the birds twittering, chirping, cheeping and singing outside my window and around the house.

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06