I'm grateful for: a hard day that was also a good day; lots of fun new music; ordering books from Amazon.com and discovering a new (to me) movie.

Oh, oh, oh, I don't know what to say. Computer problems continue, but I am hoping to have sorted out the finances enough in the next week or two to have a shot at least at picking up a little netbook thing at least. That would be nice.

Today was a very hard day. Not a bad day, but very, very hard. At one point I told TH that I felt once again that I had been functioning very well for a while, and was being punished for functioning. I can't explain it here, now, so either you know what I mean or you don't. Anyway. So TH said he was very sorry, and walked out. Leaving me feeling like sh*t. As usual.

A bit later, I'd worked through the stuff in my head a bit, and I asked him to come in and I said to him that he had apologized, and that was a step in the right direction, but that it didn't help, HE hadn't helped, and that all he needed to do was to put his arms around me and hold me to make a difference. So he sat down and started to lean into me and I directed him to sit firmly in his own place, that it wouldn't work if HE was leaning on ME. Then I had to get him to stop moving every time I put my head on him so that e kept moving out from under me. I also had to remind him to breathe (this just doesn't work if he's holding his breath), and a few other stage directions. *sigh*

The thing is, I could do it, and I put my head on his shoulder and had a good cry, and he had his arms around me holding me at the shoulder-upper arm. Mostly. And after just a few minutes, not even, I was feeling better and able to cope. So I told him that. And I asked was it only because he is such a dickhead (pardon my language here if your ears are delicate, that is what i said), that he hadn't been doing this for the last 25 years? And he thought a minute and said 'yes.'

I told him I'd hadn't been entirely serious, and that I was open to there being mitigating circumstances, but he repeated, insisted, that with a few modifying words that's all that it was. 25 plus years of him just being a dickhead. So.

I don't really know what to do with that, but knowing I can give him ridiculously precise instructions and actually GET WHAT I NEED FROM HIM is such an amazing change, well, I am still working on getting it. It is not 'all better now.' This doesn't change our marriage overnight from one that is merely no longer abusive to a 'good' marriage. But, it's a change. For the better. One I'd like to get used to, and maybe after another 25 years he won't require the minute directions. Maybe.

It's such a simple thing, that costs him nothing, absolutely nothing, and yet makes the difference between misery and, well, happiness. Sometimes. I know I am responsible for my own happiness, but that doesn't mean he can't make a difference, and he does. Usually in a negative way. So. Well, there it is.

D2 is sick, and sharing the misery, although I give her credit for trying not to. I haven't talked to D1, or even emailed her, and I asked TH to email her for me to let her know that I had crashed and was simply not up to communicating, with my apologies. No need for her to know that the crash is about her - physically I'm a bit challenged, but nothing like some relapses I've had. I can't participate in her insanity. Today that means I can't have any contact at all. When I am stronger, I'll be able to talk with her and all, just not today.

D3 is also sick, and NOT spreading the misery. I feel sorry for her, poor thing, and can't help but be grateful for the sunniness of her disposition that even when she is sick and miserable she is largely a positive addition to any situation. She and S2 are my strength and support so much of the time. Not because of anything they do but because of who they are. I don't know what it is that makes some people generally negative or not giving of themselves, and others generally positive, but it was obvious from birth which of my children were which. The day S2 was born I could see the difference between him and his older siblings. D3 also had her sunny disposition right from the start.

It's not that the rest of my kids aren't loving and giving and really do a lot for me and for each other as well, I don't know better how to describe it. I love them all, certainly. I don't think I have a favourite, because every time I think I might I am reminded of how wonderful the others are. Even D1, although she is a sore trial in almost all of our dealings.

D2 and D3 worked together to bake a couple of cakes and it seems to have gone well. I don't know what the problem is, but D2 has always had issues with D3. D3 has felt D2's hostility, and while D3 doesn't hate her older sister, she really doesn't find her very likable. I think this cake-baking was the first time they've actually collaborated on something. I hope it was a positive experience for both.

The cakes are kosher for passover, which means they are baked with matzoh meal rather than with flour. It is a challenge we have never tried before. The one we've tried turned out really well. Quite yummy. It's a lemon cheesecake with an orange sauce and just delicious. Also filling. No one could finish their piece of cake. That's great, though, we'll eat less and enjoy it for longer hopefully.

The other cake is a no-flour chocolate cake. Basically a huge brownie. Topped with vanilla ice cream and raspberry sauce is the serving idea for tomorrow. I can't wait! The baking experiment seems to have been a complete success. There is another cake we wanted to bake, but it may not happen, and that's okay, too. It's a chocolate sandwich thing, with a bottom layer of chocolate cake, a middle layer of white cream (whipped cream - maybe), and a top layer of plain chocolate. Our intention is to serve it up with some of the raspberry sauce (this past week frozen raspberries were available at a reasonable price for the first time since we moved to Israel).

We all enjoyed watching The Princess Bride together, with popcorn and nachos and baked potatoes and matzoh pizza. Then in my room TH read aloud from a Hardy Boys book to S3. S2 read aloud to me from The Unpleasant Profession of Jonathon Hoag. Kitten played and sproinged and was generally too cute for words.

I forgot to mention I did get outside to feed the birds today. The goat kids are still terribly cute. They are very shy of us, for which I take some blame in not insisting that they be handled a bit regularly, but I trust it will work out. And we've got six new chicks in the goat shed! A couple of hens went broody together there under the milking stand. Four black and two yellow as of this evening, and all doing very well.

We've got another couple of roosters to sell again. It's amazing how quickly that happens. Fortunately we've now got a regular customer in Netivot, so we certainly don't need to worry about selling them.

And there is someone on the moshav who wants to take a couple of goat kids to raise. He just wants to raise them, and then give them back to us when they are grown. I don't know how or if that will work out. He wants to take a boy and a girl, and I am not willing to let my girl go.

I'm running out of steam. Fingers and back tired, and my brain is tired, too. Had a couple of reminders of Benny Hill tonight. I'm not sure why he came up, but we all remember him fondly. S3 has only seen him in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang but the rest of us all shared some favourite remembered scenes. I don't know why I'm talking about him in the past tense, as far as I know he is still alive - it's just that all of us haven't seen or heard anything of him in years, so for us it's all memories.

That's all. Oh, no it's not. I got some new music, a collection from various army bands and also a new (to me) cd from Teapacks. D2 and I listened to a bunch of the music together, fun for me for sure. There's one song, from an army band, some guys who work in an office (jobnikim) singing about a girl they've all fallen in love with from her file. The boss comes in and takes the file from them, and started reading it and ends up singing along with them "Eye colour: blue; hair colour: reddish-brown..." I can't really follow the lyrics, but I recognize a few words, enough to sing along a bit with a chorus, and D2 tells me what they are singing so I know what is going on. I love new music!

So that really is it. I'm too tired and will now fall over. Splat! Just kidding, but only sort of. Good night. Oh, and Happy Easter, in case I didn't say it already.

I'm not listening to anything just now, not anything at all.

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06