I'm grateful for: a possible new family connection; a plan if I need to travel; my lovely and loving Kitten.

There is so much in my head, and I feel a bit frantic, because there just isn't enough time to say it all. I don't actually know that there isn't enough time to say it, but that is how it feels. So, frantic, I am not able to try to find words and figure out just what it is I want to say - thus adding to my sense of not-enough-time. Doesn't work so great.

Long talk with RS today. Too long, really, because I was and am all talked out and I needed to be here, present for a bit - but even so there are things we didn't talk about that we need to.

RS found Lloyd's youngest brother, someone I haven't seen or heard from in ... over twenty years. I last saw him at Lloyd's mother's funeral. D2 wasn't born yet. I wasn't pregnant with her yet. D2 is 23.

Apparently basically no one else had been in touch with him, either. RS talked to Lloyd's only sister, a real shrew, to put it nicely, who claimed that she had 'really tried to find him and just couldn't,' when Lloyd's next brother - Lloyd was the oldest - died. RS called information for the city youngest brother lives in, got the number, phoned. How hard was that?

Youngest brother has apparently been cast off by the family much as I was. I didn't know this at all, how would I? He is about my age, even, just a few years older. A surprize child when the next youngest child was 9. He is married and has two children, who are about the same ages as D1 and D2. RS spoke to the wife. Apparently it was a really good conversation, as they were on the phone for 1.5 hours. I don't know how RS does it.

RS also had a rather lengthy conversation with Lloyd's sister, apparently of necessity as she certainly didn't get any pleasure out of it. I love the part RS related to me in which sister made all sorts of really awful comments and then informed RS that she was 'comforting' her.

Also, more stuff about bank accounts, insurance. Some person who apparently thinks the world of Lloyd, wanted to take a pair of patched pants Lloyd made and his backpack, and have the shellacked and put on display in a museum. WFT?!?!?! Okay, this has nothing to do with my opinion of Lloyd, or his friends' opinions of me, or my opinion of Lloyd's 'work.' That really is kind of weird. RS was all for giving them to this friend, but I said, no. If he wants them so much, if they are worth preserving and putting on display in a museum, then let him pay us for them.

It's not like I would want to hold anyone up for something(s) that I would as soon burn as ever see or touch. It's that these things are truly the only legacy that Lloyd has left us - whether or not he is my biological father he is the one who said to me 'it feels like father to me.' Of course he said that in the same conversation that he refused to tell me his blood type, lied about it in fact, so that's worth what it is worth.

I told RS I wouldn't get in the way of any decision she made, and she would do whatever it was she did, but that I wouldn't feel okay if I hadn't spoken my mind on the subject. Not enough Lloyd dies leaving this horrendous mess for his daughter(s) that he has refused to acknowledge, support, help or in any way share his life with to deal with, but his friends are now crawling out of the woodwork to walk off with his things? Whatever. It may be for the best, let the rats scurry off with the rags. But - well I am not alone in this.

Someone completely unconnected to the whole situation was listening to me relate my conversation with RS, and before I had gotten out three words he was shouting Get Money For Them! Which was quite funny, since he didn't know that is what I'd just been saying, but was purely his unbiased take on the situation.

What the hell. If the friend offers us $5 and to cover shipping that's more than it is worth to me. Lloyd was scum, and all his wonderful friends who admire his philosophy and his 'dedication' and his art while dismissing what he did to RS and me aren't any better. I spit on them all.

Had a long talk with S2, who is doing well actually, and a long talk with D2, who told me about the horrible things they did to S2 when we tried to get through to him last night. I feel really guilty, I do, even though I knew that was pretty much what would happen, and I had decided that despite how awful it would be for him (the commander of the base telling him to stand by her while the rest of his unit finished their exercise, but not telling him what was up and that sort of thing) it was better than if I had had to jump on a flight to the U.S. last night and leave without even getting to tell him what was up.

As it happens, I didn't, and guilt ensues. *Sigh* And Thursday is a fast day. Don't they know how bleeding HOT it is here in July? This is NOT the time for a fast day - even one that is only sun up to sun down.

Tomorrow (which is undoubtedly later today now) TH and S3 and I are driving up north to Bareqet, and S3 is going to visit his friend, and I am going to visit my friend MS, and TH is going to ... visit somebody? Or he might run errands or who knows. Maybe he'll just hang out. My friend MS doesn't have real air-conditioning, so it is going to be even more miserably hot. I don't have air conditioning, but there is a decent breeze through my room almost all day long.

Oy! Rambling on like this and I entirely forgot to mention that we didn't get to go swimming today. Typical Israeli idiocy, after opening the pool last Friday for the one day they have now closed it to the public for the next two weeks or more. Why? You've got me. We went to the city pool in Netivot, since we were all dressed in our suits and S3 was really, really wanting to swim. Same thing at the city pool. They had posted hours, but they weren't honouring them for the next week or two at least. I don't get it.

We talked about possibly going to the beach, but a 45 minute drive there and the same back, in order to spend a whole hour or hour and a half at the beach in the hottest and most dangerous (UV ray-wise) part of the day just wasn't on.

We couldn't go later because we had to take Kitten to the vet. She has an infection where her stitches were. It is just subcutaneous, and the stitches are now removed and hopefully it will heal up fine. Apparently it happens that the stitches themselves will cause an infection or something. I don't understand (he may speak English, but he is still an Israeli). She is looking well, though, thank goodness.

Lots of little good stuff happened today - we found a lovely new dress for D3 at the shuk, and one of those floating boards for S3 at quite a reasonable price. We got (I think) close to two litres of milk from the goats. TH fixed the dryer - he IS wonderful that way - and I am just about caught up on the laundry already.

I'm still enjoying my new dresses. I ordered just a few items of clothing from L@nd's End, just to see how it works out. They were all on sale, the best being a pair of pants for S3 for $3. If this works out, I have a new source of clothing for the family. Good stuff.

I also discovered a new (to me) webcomic called Hereville. It is just wonderful, with an orthodox Jewish girl hero and enough yiddishkeit to utterly delight (and ready translations so no one is left wondering). I ordered the book, I don't know how long it will take to get it, I hope not long. i really want to share this one with the kids - mine and some others, too.

Okay, it's after 4am. I want to move the laundry (last load tonight from the washer to the dryer), and try to get at least a few hours sleep. Not quite half-way through July and I am holding up quite well, thank you. Is it the acupuncture, the Kitten, getting acclimated, being 'more' recovered, just and act of Gd? Who knows? I'm just going to appreciate it.

And if/when I do have to go back to the states, I already have a plan. I am going to sell my rock, and buy myself a jade band, if I can I'll get it with a couple of small diamonds inset, and if I can't, I'll have it done for me. That will cost a fraction (a reasonably large fraction, but still only a fraction) of what the rock is worth, the remainder should pay for the trip, or much of it.

It turns out the rock was quite a good investment. Who knew?

I'm kind of excited to think of going back, in terms of what I can buy, and just being places that aren't Israel for a while. I'm nervous but willing when I think of dealing with people -everyone but mother, with her I am completely UNwilling, but I trust that if Hashem has me dealing with her, then somehow he will give me the tools and the strength. I dread all of the air travel, but am actually looking forward to the driving. I came to really love driving for hours on the interstates. Just relax and cruise along, enjoying my thoughts, the scenery, music, whatever. Can't do that sort of driving here, the country just isn't big enough. You run out of road.

Okay, that was all over the place but I'm not going to worry about it. I really am going to stop and do those things and try to get some sleep.

I'm listening to the sounds of my fan, lovely tonight.

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06