I'm grateful for: good books to read, lots of them; my children and kitten; a sense of inner peace, which recent events hasn't rocked.

I don't have anything to say about it, but that may not stop me from typing for an hour about it. I never seem to know.

It's been a really horrible day. Nothing in particular, at least until TH came home. Just feeling rotten, body not working, stuff like that. Nothing really bad, nothing I could put a finger on certainly.

Then TH came home. That's the part I'm just not going to try to talk about. I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do, all I know is that I can't live like this, and at the moment I am somewhat powerless to change things. Somewhat because I *have* succeeded in changing a few things, for the better. It may be that I am being 'punished' for that. TH always turns bad when I am making improvements in the house, my life situation, anything. Just like he turns bad when I take a turn for the worse. Nothing is ever supposed to change, and nothing should ever force him out of his groove -- excuse me, rut.

So he was just horrible, and I feel awful about it all. Not so much because he was horrible in itself - that is old news (and doesn't include physical abuse these days), but because we generally have a nice time on Monday nights, he and I either go out without the kids or go in my room with the door shut without the kids, and watch a movie, play a game, talk, something.

So instead of having a bit of 'fun' and a night off, I spent too much time being angry and hurt with him in my face, and then when he finally got out of my face I'm left in isolation as it were. No one comes to my room, no one talks to me. He always leaves the door shut, and the kids are tiptoeing around because they know things aren't good, so they act like I'm having a really bad day. Which I am, but not because I'm in too much pain, rather because I've been robbed of one of the few pleasures and the little bit of relief I get, and I'm stuck in my four walls with no one talking to me. It sucks big time. There just are no words.

D3 has the kitten sleeping with her tonight. I would like to have her with me, just for the company and cuteness, but I didn't sleep much last night, not entirely because of her, but she did contribute, and I really want to get some sleep tonight if possible.

What's been happening otherwise? Company, I wrote very briefly about that. S3 is reading, quite well considering. Once they start they pick it up very quickly, which is one good thing, never any doubt of a late starter catching up.

S2's Hebrew is really quite good for the circumstances. There are plenty of people who've been in Israel 30 years who don't have as good Hebrew as he has. Mind you, that could be damned by faint praise, but the thing is S2 is so concerned that his Hebrew won't be good enough. And I can't really reassure him because what do I know? All I can say is that things will work out the way they are supposed to. *sigh* Not very helpful, that, when you're eighteen and about to launch into your adult stage of life by diving head first into an army aiming for a really tough position - one that's really tough to qualify for. Don't ask me what it is, I don't know what the English (or American) equivalent for it is, but I do know it's way more than your average combat position.

Anyway, his Hebrew is amazing in four months. S1 has been talking with people at the IDF now for almost a week. He's doing great. He hasn't actually gotten interviewed, or gotten to see anyone who can tell him where things are at, but he's been making the phone calls and asking for what he needs, sometimes in English, sometimes in Hebrew, and it's not easy to do that.

D3 is a whirlwind in a good way. Cleaning, working, babysitting, taking care of critters, baking cookies (ginger snaps today), helping me, and managing to get in some time for her own pursuits as well. I really hope she is happy - she *seems* happy. I know that D2 was terribly unhappy, but it seems that perhaps that is her native state. I don't mean that she isn't able to be happy naturally, but that she doesn't look for happiness and as a result doesn't find it as much as someone who tries harder for it. D2 is rather motivated to succeed and for satisfaction. Not exactly the same things as happiness. She did, and does, get satisfaction out of the things she does, but that isn't enough to make her happy. Fortunately, it seems that her boyfriend makes her very happy. So if this works out, then all should be well. ;-)

I haven't spoken to or heard from D1 for a while. I know I 'should' make an effort, and as soon as I have an erg or two to make an effort with, I will. However crazy she makes me, I do love my daughter. I love all of my daughters, and the two older ones are both crazy-making people. I know it's true of a lot of mothers and daughters. I dunno. I'm feeling a smidge guilty. Maybe more than a smidge. Not a lot more, though, which is good. I want to be a 'Good' mother, which is made all the harder by not knowing what that would look like.

I had a good long talk with RS this weekend, and a shorter one with FB. Things are going better with FB, thank goodness. I don't even know why I say thank goodness, but I don't think I could go on with the hostility and miserableness from him. I am not ready to cut the connection. So I guess it is thank goodness after all.

I'm a miserable person right now. Hard day, bad body, husband from heck. I'm feeling lonely and sad and haven't a shoulder to cry on - if I wanted one, which I don't really at the moment. Just noticing that without d'land I really would be up the creek. Thanks, Andrew!

Yeah, but anyway. I just finished Stone Kiss by Faye Kellerman. I read it once before and was really unhappy with it, very disappointed. I read it in the last few days, and couldn't figure out why I'd disliked it so much before. I had not liked the ending at all... Hmmm. Curious how that happens.

I'm reading The Tenants by Bernard Malamud right now. Somehow I never read it before. I hope it's good and quick. I just got a box of new books courtesy of Am@zon, the new Mich@el F0x, something by Christopher Moore, and Last Watch, the last (or latest?) book from Sergei Lukyanenko. I *really* liked the first three. I've also got another Faye Kellerman to (re)read, Milk and Honey. I have no recollection of what it's about. I know I read it before, I read all of them. So I get to find out if I liked it or not, and figure out if I want to keep it. The purging of books and 'stuff' continues, as we attempt to fit into our new house. Home? I hope.

Now I've talked myself into a better mood. Yeaa! I still haven't gotten back to watching Dr. Who, which I was doing every night, and I want to continue with that. One story a night, I intend to enjoy it. I got a soundtrack for D3, from Another Cinderella Story. I know nothing about the new music out there, besides a little bit I find out about from friends. So this is one thing. I'd like to be getting more music, but that really is the opposite direction I need to be going. Purge! Purge! ;-)

And that's enough for now I guess. We did finish the homeschool application and plan for misrad hachinuch (The Education Ministry). So TH is going to try to deliver it tomorrow morning, hoping that people will actually be at work. Day after tomorrow is the Yom HaAtzma'ut picnic with the homeschooling group. If things haven't resolved between TH and I, I won't be going, but that's just fine. We only have room for five people in the car, and that means someone was going to have to stay at home. If I do, then none of the kids needs to be left out.

I can't think, even though that doesn't seem to stop me from typing. At least I'm not talking. That would be horrible. Run-on typing is somehow much more bearable. To me, anyway.

It's going on midnight. Yom HaAtma'ut is Israeli Independence Day. And we're still here. So very few people seem to get how very unlikely that is. How many miracles it took for us to get here and remain here. I am so lucky to get to be a part of it.

And for tonight, that's all folks!

I'm listening to להקת פיקוד צפון - the Northern Army Band: להקת פיקוד צפון - Northern Star

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06