I'm grateful for: bits of the past that I can see and hear and feel; getting stronger every day; movies like Trainstopping that remind me that, yes, it really was that bad.

I seem to have gotten to the end of the memory/grody flashback that was so bedeviling my present day life. Little details, little things to fill in here and there, but apparently nothing more big.

It is different for me to have a single 'story' that just comes up, plays it's way through, and then goes away. Maybe I really am on the far side of all that horrible now. I thought I was, after five years of no seriously awful reliving of memories, and then this popped up. But, it just ran it's course, like a bad case of the 'flu, and it's gone.

I'm not back to 'normal' or all better yet. But I think I can expect tomorrow to be a vast improvement over today, yesterday or the day before.

The pain that accompanies the memories seems to be largely gone, too, leaving me with the very real pain that is a part of my everyday day life. It is somehow much easier to cope with without the past intruding. Golly, what a surprize, I know.

The last few days have been particularly hard because I've needed to be present, to take care of things and be a parent and all of that, and I really couldn't. Combine the physical problems with the intrusive memories, and there just isn't enough of me left to help or comfort or problem-solve or even to listen, much.

I felt guilty to the point of tears when I couldn't help out. D3 pretty much ran the household, and ended up wanting to murder every male member of the household - and probably would have wanted to murder me, too, if she had blamed me for her being stuck in that situation. *sigh* S3 needs more attention. He needs me to listen to the things that interest him (and bore me to tears, for the most part. What is it about boys at this age?). He needs me to push him to be more active, to help out around the house, to watch that he eats regularly and brushes his teeth. D3 does a pretty good job when all is said, but it's NOT her job. TH is not *quite* useless, which S1 is entirely useless for that.

S1 DOES do a fairly good job taking care of the animals, though, which is a good thing. Neither he nor TH can be fully counted on, but with both of them responsible for the most part things get done - often when the need to even.

The house on the other hand ... ugh! D3 does her best. S3 does nothing, S1, who is supposed to do housework, specifically keeping the dishes clean and put away, is sometimes utterly impossible. And then he GLARES if anyone else dares to wash some dishes, despite the fact they may be climbing out of the sink. And then there is TH, who seems to be constitutionally incapable of putting anything back where he got it from. Who believes washing the floor means washing the parts that have no furniture or stuff in the way (pick up some of the stuff? you must be joking). He doesn't dust, or sweep, or, well you get the picture.

So, D2 and her N are coming down for shabbos, and I warned her, I haven't really been out of bed for two weeks and the house looks like it. It really does. She said that she warned N that he was going to be put to work, which is all to the good, but, well, this is NOT how I want to live. *Sigh*

Not that anyone ever asked me.

There's always a bit of an empty feeling when a grody flashback finishes and I'm left with only the present day. It's not that I want to be back in the grody flashback - I mean, I didn't store up any GOOD times to relive later in life, you know? But, while I am in the past, my uncle is alive, and there are many good things about that. I am not lonely or homesick. And then the flashback/memory ends, and all of that rushes back. He's dead, I'm lonely and homesick and there is no home to go back to. There is no one here who was there, who knows what it was like, who speaks my language.

I'm left with nothing but the going forward.

Not that I don't like my life. I have a good life. I have a wonderful family, with lots of children and now grandchildren. I have some truly awesome friends, at least sometimes. I now have a mirpesset so that when I can't even get outside, I can at least stagger through and lie on the love seat out there, getting fresh air and enjoying all the chicks.

Still, there are things that I miss, that I can never have again/do not exist anymore; and I suppose I am not finished grieving, if I will ever be.

I don't know if I ever wrote about it in this diary, but when I was initially dx'd with M.S., Hashem cushioned the blow for me by letting me know four people who had lost babies within a couple of months of the dx. Not to in anyway minimize or try to capitalize on their tragedies, but after the fourth such story (18 month old died of cancer), when the dr. told me 'officially' that I have M.S., I thought - I have four (at the time) healthy, happy children. So, no big deal, all I have is M.S.

I really felt that way, at least for a while. And I would never trade. Still, M.S. sucks. There is no other way to put it.

Now I've been dx'd with M.S. for fifteen years. So much loss, so many grievings. Still, all of my children are basically healthy. They have reasonably good lives, even D1 who lives from crisis to disaster, by her own choice if only she could be brought to believe it. I DO like my life. Just another few minutes spent missing what is gone is all, and I'm good.

I don't want to stop missing what is gone, as long as there are any parts of me left back there. Those are the *good* parts of me, the ones mother tried to destroy. I won't let her win, not even a little bit.

I'm listening to the bit of peace between my ears - missing for this little while.

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06