I'm grateful for: oh, Everything!; regaining some mental balance; making progress in learning Hebrew; many, many, many books, and much music and too many movies; wonderful children; a better life with The Husband; D'land; a new browser; and all that stuff.

Hello, hello, hello. I'm a wreck, how are you? I dunno, but I am doing better and worse and it's bloody confusing.

Today I was talking with D2 on the phone, and I said the most horrendous thing. Made worse because I KNOW I've done that sort of thing before, and will do it again. I was completely f*cked in the head, coping with a majorly intrusive grody flashback, barely able to pay attention to the present, and not really noticing what I was saying or what was going on with D2. So I said something that, although not at all intended that way, was extremely critical, even crushing.

I can say with complete honest I didn't mean it that way, I just totally didn't think. It doesn't matter, though, does it? I said I was sorry, I apologized more than once. I tried to remake what I'd said, but my attempts at repair just made it worse - my head was still up my butt you see. So - *sigh* I sent D2 an email, with a better apology and an attempt at a real amends. Nothing more I can do, really.

I hope that at some point I can talk to her about it in depth. You see, what happened is that my mother came out of my mouth. I've known for decades, since I had kids or maybe even before, that I'd have to guard against mother coming out of my mouth. It's sort of inevitable, you learn parenting from you parents. When I am not thinking, or operating on auto-pilot, I am always at risk of repeating something she said, or the sorts of things that she would say.

I've tried, I really have, to always be mindful of what is coming out of my mouth, but no one can be on guard 24/7, and I can't just not be f*cked-in-the-head by choice. It happens a lot less these days, but it is a part of my life, not able to be just put aside.

So ... *Sigh* I still feel bad about it. I know I can't do more than I can do, but, I also know that D2 has taken the brunt of these sorts of things her whole life. In fact it was often by seeing the impact on her of things that I did that I found out what *not* to do as a parent. So, I owe her way more than just a heartfelt apology. I only wish I could figure out what I can do, besides not making things worse.

The things that my mother said/says? You could possibly come up with worse things to say to a son or daughter, but I'd be hard put to think of any myself. Crushing, annihilating, terrible things.

***

Well, moving on, I am doing better a bit physically and mentally. I have come to an end/break of the current horrid flashback and am able to be more present and deal with a few things. I am moving about a tiny bit better. I've got an appointment scheduled with my acupuncturist, and may even make it there this time.

I've been on the phone WAY too much the last several days, which added to the nightmare of my conversation with D2 today. I'd just come off a phone call with someone about S2's situation in the army, and was beeped by someone else and, well, like that. Too much telephone. One of the people I've been on the phone with though is RS, who is apparently coming on the scheduled flight (as of now no changes), and has received almost everything I ordered that I'd hoped she could bring, and everything is actually in train to work out sort of. I'm still scared, but also happy.

I've been putting a lot of my stress on TH. I need to acknowledge that, first here, then to TH. Things have been going unbelievably well between us. I'm sure there will be a reaction, but I am enjoying it while it lasts. I've probably just jinxed myself but there it is.

I've actually been making progress with Hebrew. I have worked with two teachers this week, but one of them is now in hospital. I'm guessing gestational diabetes, but I got the information third hand and there may have been translation difficulties. Anyway, it's very sad, but not too terribly worrying. The other teacher I may be able to see tomorrow for a brief lesson, or not. Hashem will be in charge of that as there is grocery shopping to do and so many errand to run and little chores around the house and big things, too. D3 and I have managed almost every day to work on our prayer Hebrew, to read a little bit of regular children's books, and to work on conversational Hebrew using an ulpan course. It sounds like a lot, and it's not really so much, but it's very exciting for me. Progress! I could live with this. If only I could do more, like, say, get out of bed?

Actually I suppose if I could get out of bed then I wouldn't be doing the Hebrew so much. I'd be caught up in all the other things that need doing and not taking the time to sit and study. So, it's a trade-off, like so many things. I am happy with how things are, I really hope I can stay mentally balanced enough to appreciate it.

The only other thing I've got for tonight is that I haven't been sleeping. I was up almost all night last night, then woke up around 9am, which meant less than six hours' sleep, maybe way less (I don't know exactly when I fell asleep). It's really not good, but it seems to be just one of the things I get to deal with in this life. At least, I know longer fret and fume about it. If I can't sleep, then I can't. Hashem will make it all work out somehow. Acceptance is such a blessing, I can't express it.

Okay, it's just gone 1am, and I AM going to TRY to fall asleep some tonight.

I'm only listening to the thoughts in my head.

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06