So, making a commitment to my new diary means I have to write here, even if I don't like the way it looks. *sigh* Life is so hard. But. I am so sick of the old thing, and sick of the constant hits for 1ncest and other such fun things. I wouldn't mind if I was being found by survivors searching for others or information. It's all perps though. Yucky, yucky perps. Ugh.

It was very helpful, the rabbi reminding me that Hans needed limits, not to be threatened and pigeon-holed. Because there are things that perps do that are not necessarily perpy if done between consenting adults. However hard that may be for me to accept sometimes. And Hans biggest problem is the Asperger's, he doesn't know many social rules and needs the unspoken ones spoken, explicitly. It's hard for me, who has had to learn so many of outside-world society's rules the hard way, to see my son seemingly setting himself up to blunder into the same brick walls as I did. I need to remember/to be reminded that it's not his fault. He doesn't know these things. And it's my job, as much as possible, to explain them to him when I see a gap in his knowledge. Certainly not to accuse him of dreadful crimes and threaten him with dire consequences. ... Damn Neil anyway.

I didn't wake up today until almost 4pm. I hate that. I hate not being able to fall asleep at night, and not being able to wake up during the day. I missed a beautiful day. The temperatures were not unreasonably high as they often are, but quite comfortable. The sun is shining, the dog has a new harness - which means I can take her for a walk with me in the wheelchair without choking her.

I don't use her to tow the wheelchair or anything like that. She just pulls so hard to move faster, and the wheelchair won't allow me (or I can't, to put it another way). So she was choking herself in her eagerness and excitement, and that is not good. They can do themselves quite a bit of harm that way. Dogs can. You know what I meant.

Sleep is good, and I am a better person for having slept more - catching up on sleep debt - but I *want* to be up and enjoying the good weather, to be spending time with my children, to getting things done that are do not involve sitting in front of a computer screen. *sigh* And since when has any of this been about what I want?

I was marvelling again last night about what a difference going back to the U.S. has made in my outlook on things. I really felt like I was in a cage, or a dungeon. Now I don't feel locked in, like I am 'stuck' here in Israel, I am much more positive about being here. Not about being in Ginot Shomron, which is still my idea of hell (anglo-dati ghetto), but Israel is where I want my permanent home to be. With many, many vacations in Vermont, and with my grandkids, and maybe even Ireland, and Thailand, and, let me think, where else have I been dying to see?

If John gets a U.S. job, these things become quite possible. Whee! I am getting way ahead of myself, though, building castles in the sky, which is very dangerous for me. I get too excited, and then become too disappointed when my castles fall down. I can just be happy that I don't feel trapped any longer, and can be that much happier about living in Israel.

It's funny, I am religious, but that's not why I am here. I haven't even been to most of the places that religious Jews *should* go to. I can be a religious Jew anywhere, and even found it easier to be in the U.S., even in northeastern Vermont. What makes living here so wonderful is just that here being Jewish is normal. Normal. You don't think about what that means, or at least I didn't when I was living in the U.S. 'Normal' in the U.S. was having people assume I was Xtian unless I told them otherwise. 'Normal' was having to worry, even if only a little bit and beneath my consciousness about how people would react when they 'found out' I was Jewish. Not that I ever hid it. But, yes, I didn't necessariy volunteer the information.

Normal means that my holidays are the countries holidays and I don't have to *explain* to anyone what a passover seder is about or why we do the things we do. Normal means having less reason to be afraid. Yes, people attack Jews here too, but there are a lot more of us here, and we have guns. ;-)

So anyway. Good to have gotten out, and good to be back. Better to get the hell out of Ginot Shomron, but that is all in Gd's time. *sigh* We all really hate it here. Differently, and for different reasons, but we all really hate it here. Maybe John doesn't. And Eliyahu doesn't really have a standard of comparison, but he knows he doesn't have any friends here and that the rest of us hate it. I can't believe I moved all the way to Israel to live in an American suburb. There is some serious cosmic irony operating here.

I'm getting distracted, and while I want to write more, it is more important to me that I not lose what I've written so far, so I guess that that is all for now. Be well, and Gd bless.

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06