Oh me, oh my, oh me. I talked to mother last night. No, not talked. Oh, dear. Afterwards, I called up my sister and told her 'you're the good daughter again.' Oh, yeah.

If I could reproduce any of that 'conversation' I wouldn't. There were the parts she said things like she should have been killed fifty years ago, she should never have children (I was diplomatically silent), and then there were the parts where things got really bad.

I wasn't going to lie to her. I certainly wasn't going to tell her she had been a GOOD mother. I mean, really. And I can't help it if she equates not being a good mother with being some kind of monster, or unfit to live.

Yes, she was a bad mother. I was a bad mother when my kids were younger - my older kids. It's why Jessica was given up for adoption, and one of the reasons I kept away from my mother for all those years. I had to work on being a better mother, and it wasn't easy. I had no roll models, you see, no one I could trust, and I had no help, and I was feeling my way, blindly, through the minefield of all the things that mothers are constantly being told 'if you do this, your child will DIE!' 'if you do that, he will be warped for life and it will be ALL YOU FAULT!' Um, yeah, that really helped people. Just let me say.

See, I don't hate her (usually), and I'm not angry at her (mostly), and I am more than willing to work on improving our relationship in the present - but I won't lie about what it was. And she can't separate anything from anything. She told me in the course of this lovely exchange that I was just like her brother (bad), but also that she couldn't hear the difference between 'you're not perfect' and 'you are a piece of shit and should die.'

Trust me, I am not just like her brother.

So, today's big news is that my friend Malkie phoned early this morning full of enthusiasm that she had found the house that is waiting for us. It does in a lot of ways sound perfect. It's all on one floor, in a part of Israel where it is cool, even in summer. She said she needed a jacket even during the day, but I tend to think that since she is from one of the hottest places in the centre of the country, I can take that with a large grain of salt. Besides, we're from Vermont. I doubt it's going to be colder. Maybe cooler in the summer, but it still doesn't snow there in the winter.

Next to the house is a large, empty valley. And the community is looking for a family to come live in the house and farm the valley. Does this sound like anyone I know? It's a religious community, but not uptight religious so much as concerned with spirituality. This is according to Malkie's reports, so that's worth whatever it's worth. She says they are a little kooky. Okay, so can I be kooky. She says they don't mess around in each other's business, but they also say, No Television. No problem, we don't watch television.

So, that's a lot of the up sides. The BIG downside is that it is in a location which may well be evacuated/evicted/'disengaged' in the near future. The other BIG downside is that there is no bus service. It would put my kids closer to their homeschooling friends, and apparently there are homeschoolers living in the community already. But some trouble with the 'other' population - Malkie didn't say so I'm assuming arab or druze. Apparently they are more than willing to risk their lives in order to steal livestock. Which is an issue if one is farming.

So, anyway. It is up to Hashem. I phone John to tell him about it, and ask him to get the particulars from Malkie.

Oh, Hans had another driving test today. It didn't happen, though, because the car John has from work broke down outside of Kfar Saba. Hans' frustration levels are impressive. The driving instructor was apparently rather obtuse - Hans explained that he couldn't make it and driving instructor (his name is Benny) wouldn't believe he couldn't just get in a bus.

So when I phoned John, he had pulled over to eat something in the new car the rental company gave him while they fix the other one. This one is black. Hello?!? Who buys a black car - in Israel? Fortunately/hopefully, we won't have it for very long. It's a mini-van, an automatic. And I get to drive it tonight on no sleep. I haven't been to sleep yet. I don't know if I will manage to get any.

I'm too tired to write anything else. My kids are wonderful. I don't feel like a good enough mother today (but don't think I should have been killed at birth). Neil is a shit. As per usual. And John has a telephone interview with a New Jersey company on Tuesday, for a job which would pay way more, and allow him to stay with Jessica, not to mention maybe turning into a telecommuting gig from Israel. So, keep us in your prayers. House, job, and of course, Hans and his situation. And maybe some sleep for me? Of course it would be nice..

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06