I'm grateful for: getting some stuff done; a slightly cleaner house; another day to do things I enjoy instead of only what I can barely manage

Yesterday I answered a lot of email and I think also the day before, but missed writing here. Sometimes I just don't know what is the higher priority. Of course, I write here for myself, so it is too easy to convince myself that the other things are more important. *wry smile*

The spell checker seems to have a problem with 'wry.' It's a funny world.

I'm still bloody sick, but seem to be doing a bit better, if evidence of folding all the laundry yesterday (at least three loads), and organizing my photo albums today (I got through about a third of them - maybe 320 photos?) means anything. Yesterday I actually felt a bit better, but today not so much. I can't tell if it was hotter today, or if it was me. Really, once the temperature is much above seventy-five I'm toast, but there is some kind of a difference in my energy levels when it's above 80F also.

I also read aloud to the kids last night, made it through another little Hebrew beginning readers book, caught up on our financial records, as much as I could (haven't had a bank statement from either of the Israeli banks in a couple of months, very frustrating) and basically have just been much more functional than I had been all summer. It feels pretty good.

I want to go camping next weekend, I talked to John about making plans, and so far he has done nothing. Surprize, surprize. We need only a couple of things, we need to find out if next Thursday is a good day to drive up to Kadita to drop off Maxine's family's things (no point in making two long drives like that), we need to buy a tent, and we need to figure out a schedule - especially if we intend to camp over shabbos. This shouldn't be such a hard thing to do, but it is always made harder by John's unwillingness to take the lead in anything at all.

Since I can't do much in my current condition, I have to nudge. And nudge. And nudge. Or give up on camping. *sigh* I haven't surrendered yet. Although by this time next week, I'll either be climbing the walls or just have completely given up. It would be so nice to get to go up north and have a day or two away from the disgusting pollution, the annoying neighbours and the endless noise of this place.

Going through the photo albums is really hard. It is a true emotional roller coaster - from the photos that remind me of people and events I'd like to never be reminded of again, to the idiot shipping who made such disparaging comments about my photo albums. What a pig he was! It really takes my breath away, even now.

Of course there are all the photos of happy times, and all the things we used to have and have no longer - like a farm, and goats, and trees, and clean air and water, and winter, and all the 'stuff' that goes with the American standard of living. It is very hard.

I am glad we have them, though. They aren't for me, although I enjoy them, and having them, they are for the children. And someday the grandchildren, I hope. For John and I, our family history starts here. We have little or nothing from our families of origin we would want to pass on to our children, even if we could.

Today was Zechy's 16th birthday. My mother sent a (non-toxic) present and Connie (my mil), nothing. As usual. I mean from Connie - last year my mother sent Zechy QUITE a toxic present, in the form of pornography. Yeah, thanks mom.

John and I were unable to get to the store we had finally found which would have an oud, so we gave Zechy what we called a 'place-holder' present. The 3/4 length guitar that we bought for all the kids. Zechy was quite happy with it, and all the kids had a go at it. Eliyahu had quite a time with it, once he figured out how to hold it in order to reach the strings. Cute guy.

We also got him a stuffed ram. It was supposed to be a goat. It LOOKS like a goat. So, we told him it was a goat, but it really is a ram. 'T'sokay. It's just a cute thing, not a serious present. I think he is the one who misses the goats the most. They were his favourite playmates when he was younger.

John has said he will ask around at work regarding places to live. We really have *got* to get out of here. My health is suffering the longer we stay here. It's funny how one forgets things, I was always, always sick when we lived in a city. And the further out we got into the country, the better I was physically. I don't necessarily know exactly what is going on, but I can't deny it's reality. I really have to live someplace which is rural, where the air is clean, hopefully at some reasonably high elevation. I really don't know why, but I do know that that sort of place is where I have always been the healthiest. It is no longer really optional, I think. This summer has shown me that. I can't possibly live another year in this house. At least, I don't believe so. I can't believe Hashem would do that to me, or to my kids. I just can't. And so we go house-hunting again.

Still wanting to start the dog kennel kind of business, also. It's something our family would be good at.

At this point I don't know if I am repeating myself, and I am definitely rambling. All I can say is, being a crip is for the birds. Really. Despite all my work on acceptance, and all the proof that I have that this isn't going away, I still have the expectations that I will be able to do things like an able-bodied person. Maybe not as much, but I haven't got it through to the unconscious part of me which carries around all those unspoken expectations that I just CAN'T.

Not, mind you, that I am closed to the idea of a miracle. I am more than willing, happy even, if Hashem chooses to make me all better, or even have me go into an extended remission. I am really, truly willing to be healthy, able-bodied, and face up to the challenges that that will provide, whether it is having to earn a living, or exercising regularly. I really am ready for those challenges. *I* think.

So far, Hashem doesn't seem to agree with me.

And I am disabled enough - not 'differently abled,' DIS-abled - that a realistic day plan might include getting dressed, maybe sitting up for a while, and maybe reading with the kids or folding some laundry. That's pretty much it. Depressing, isn't it?

I'd be a lot more depressed if I hadn't been smitten with this gratitude thing. I really, truly am more aware of the blessings I have than the things I can't do. Most of the time. Which is a miracle all by itself, especially when there is so much I can't do.

Well, it's after 1am. I have to finish the photo albums, now that I've started them, or we will be tripping over photo stuff for way too long. So I'd better try to get some sleep. Sorting photos is tiring, but since I can do it without getting up or moving around, it's a good project for my current level of functioning. And, if/when I'm done, there will even be some more room for our clutter. Cool.

Oh, one other things I discovered in going through the photo albums, is that I was no way as ugly as I thought I was. Too bad I can't translate that into a belief that I am not ugly now. I mean, because ten years from now I may be looking at photos of me now and thinking that I'm actually kind of pretty. It could happen.

It doesn't help in the present, though, because not only do I experience myself as not - um - good looking or attractive, people do not react to me as if I were good looking or attractive. It's hard to go against that kind of real life experience. Wee, it is so fun to be me.

Well, anyway, I'm off. I haven't read any buddies, so I guess just 'hi' everybody. Be well and Gd bless.

I'm listening to Eliyahu moaning in his sleep

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06