I'm grateful for: having had everything I ever wanted; a new jigsaw puzzle; bringing a teensy bit of order to our chaos

I wanted to write, but it's after 3am and I am just too tired. I've been busy - happily busy. Photos are getting sorted, house is getting - very, very slightly - more organized, laundry has gotten folded, Simcha and i have read a very little bit of our next Hebrew book, we've got food in the house, the financial stuff is, if not up-to-date, at least no lacking anything important and the arnona was paid.

John and I had a rather difficult talk last night - a good talk as it ended up. You never can tell with these. At the end of it, we got home and I asked him to do something for me - to say "I'm sorry" and to do his best to sound sincere. His first attempt was pretty pathetic, but after we'd shared a bit of a laugh over that, he actually said he was sorry for pretty much all of the rotten things he's done. He meant it. At least for that moment. Which is all one can hope for, really. I called him Prince Charming, and when John acknowledged the title I quoted the prince from Into The Woods - "I was raised to be charming, -- not sincere."

Yah, so, I'm dead beat. One thing John and I bought is a new jigsaw puzzle, and Zechy, Simcha and I finished about half of it tonight. Simcha didn't even go to bed until after midnight. She'll be dead and cranky tomorrow, but we had a wonderful time.

We watched Kenneth Branagh's Much Ado About Nothing tonight. Wonderful, wonderful movie. I need to find out if there is a videotape of the actual play. The kids (Havva and Hans in particular) kept commenting about this and that line, or series of lines, that had been left out of the movie. I doubt I knew that much Shakespeare when I was their age, but then I didn't have other teenagers to contend with and to egg me on. Not about Shakespeare, anyway. We all laughed, and sang along, and read out some of our favourite lines. I did enjoy Michael Keaton as Bottom (which I hadn't been sure of). And Denzel Washington as the Prince. Very much. I wonder if he's done much other Shakespeare? It would be worth trying to find out.

Anyway, it is now even more after 3am. Eliyahu will be up early-ish (having gone to sleep around/after nine he'll be cranky, too), and we have the other half of the puzzle to finish tomorrow. And books to choose (getting rid of up to half of our children's books. Scary. How did they get so big, all of them?). And more photos, and more photos and more photos to sort.

The last photos I did today were the ones from our first goat kidding. She had twins (her name was Tansy) both boys, and she didn't quite know what to do with them, having been taken from her own mother too young. But she turned out to be a fine mother, actually. And we took lots, and lots, and lots of photos. She was kind enough to have her kids at a decent hour of the day, which helped.

Now we are all so happy to have all these photos, too many if they are just for my photo albums, but hardly enough if Havva and Simcha and everyone else who wants one/some can have. It's terribly emotionally draining, sometimes, looking at the farm photos, and all the grief and sadness about what is no more. I spent some time yesterday being furious at John because if only he'd ... then we could still be there. But it is so not about him. We've been over it and over it and over it and there just wasn't any other decision we could have made at that time. And the rest was all up to Hashem, anyway. Oh, but man it hurts, to have had everything you ever wanted, and then lose it all, slowly, as bit by bit is stripped, stolen, taken from you. And then to look back on what you had.

I have to believe that Hashem wouldn't have brought us here if He doesn't have something even better planned for us. I have to believe that or everything else in my life for the last two decades is a lie. So it's just a question of hanging on and hoping, still. When I get to the photos of the waterfowl, I may well have a breakdown. I felt like having one today. Ah, well, it wouldn't be the first time.

As I keep telling the kids, we have to be grateful that we had it. So many people have never even had a taste of what we had for so many years. We are still the lucky ones.

I'd better get to bed, and find out if I can sleep after all of that. Utter exhaustion should help. People (meaning mostly my husband and Neil) just don't get how exhausting having these feelings is. More fools they.

I'm listening to the fan

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06