I'm grateful for: A house with heat; progress on the cottage and the shed; all the shopping's done (except maybe to pick up some milk tomorrow).

I wanted to write to people, messages and notes, and respond to one that I got here, but I guess that's not for today. Tonight. It's after midnight. My sleep, work, and eating schedule are still messed up from the night spent w/Hans in the E.R. and so on.

Neil came back today. He says he wants to live here. I don't want him here. But I guess I even less want him bopping around the country and dropping in here without warning whenever. So, he's back for now. I gave John two and a half months (from now) to get the cottage minimally habitable. Then Neil moves out to the cottage. 'Minimally habitable' means the roof doesn't leak or let pigeons in, there are windows and door(s) that are reasonably weathertight, and there is a heat source if he needs one. Pretty minimal. I don't care. I won't have him here a moment longer than can be helped.

I got one thing clear in my head today, thank goodness. Last night and today, which is that I have to take care that I am not being taken advantage of. I don't have to be fair, I don't have to worry about his needs and if he is okay. I have to safeguard that I am not being ripped off, used, or putting one shekel more into this than I am getting out of it.

If Neil is concerned about it being fair, that's his worry. If he wants to make sure that he is not getting ripped off, or taken advantage of, that is his get out. I'm looking out for me.

I don't want him in this house!

Okay, deep breath. I can make a calendar, like Havva did for her last month and a half in the navy. I'll check off days until I know that he will be out of here (he can certainly leave sooner). One can get through just about anything one day at a time. And I will have a definite end date for this. Because if the cottage isn't ready (John dragging his feet) then Neil will just have to go someplace else. Now I want to stop talking about him.

I like the life I have, when I don't have to deal with all the drama and bullshit that Neil brings into everything. I like the life I have when I don't have to deal with John's drama and bullshit. At least my kids, when they give me drama, it's not bullshit.

Of course I could have killed Hans when he told me he'd been taking a short-cut across the fields when the scorpion stung him. Not like I haven't told them over and over again, and they've been warned by others, and they *know* not to do that. The scorpion is looking for warmth this time of year. Hans' leg was warm. Damn it, you stay out of the fields, especially at night!

But, Hans is eighteen and immortal, you know. I only really gave him a hard time about it once. I am so good. And have so very much will-power and self-control. I want to tease him unmercifully for being such an idiot. But I don't.

I did tell him that I'm really exercising the self-control and that I want to give him hell, 'cause I want credit, damn it! How can they give you credit for not doing something if they don't know you worked to not do it? :-) I say that, too.

Not much else. I am mostly hoping to get to a more normal sleeping/eating schedule in the next day or two. It's kind of frightening how much one night like that throws me off. It's not just me, though. I don't know whether to be reassured by that or what? John and Havva are having as hard a time as I am. Hans, though, is doing just fine. Wouldn't know anything had happened to him. *sigh* Eighteen and immortal. At least for now.

I have hardly written anything about Simcha and Eliyahu lately, which is really too bad. So much is going on, and they aren't lost in the shuffle in real life, it's just here I spend so much time getting the sh*t out of my head, most lately around Neil, that I don't end up writing about the much less stressful and infuriating things they are doing.

I got a call on my cell phone while I was driving the first time from Eliyahu because he'd spent an hour or so creating a new character (online, at Hero-Machine), and then couldn't save it or copy and paste it. Very unhappy, he needed to tell his ima. And have me arrange for him to get a special 'El'yah treat.'

He called a couple of hours later to say he had succeeded in creating a new character, and could he print it on my printer? I told him to get his abba's (John's) help, and carried on with my shopping.

An hour and a half after that he called with the news that he had printed it off! Oh, frabjous day! ;-) It was very exciting. He phoned two or three other times, once just to say 'hi.' Mostly he phoned while I was driving, so Simcha took those phone calls, my input not being needed and I did need to drive.

Havva got scheduled for kitchen duty and guard duty on the same day - today. Which explains in part why she hasn't recovered her usual routine. She got out of kitchen duty, but was called to fill in guard duty for a girl who had gone to the medic. She eventually was able to get out of that, too, but she missed all the regular trains and didn't get to Ashkelon until 9pm. John drove, I rode along, we shopped, and came home.

Simcha found a wonderful set of pajamas at a clothing store we like to go to. It's called Energy. I'm sorry I didn't buy another set of pajamas, seeing them on her and how good she looks. They are warm, too. All the winter stuff is going on sale now. The only good thing I can see about that nonsense is that we can buy winter stuff in winter at discounted prices. Which is good.

I don't think I've made any sense, but I am tired, exhausted, and I am going to get some desperately needed sleep. I'll make more sense later, I hope.

I'm listening to: Do I have to tell you it's John's snoring?

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06