I'm grateful for: a firewire connection between my computers; new audiobooks - Hashem must've known I was going down for a while; Balta, sleeping on my floor tonight. I think the bed was too warm for her.

Da** it, I'm still sick. Hacking mostly, dry, hacking cough. Still stuffed. All those delightful symptoms I don't have to tell you about. So what is different?

Neil is back. He got back around eleven, or eleven-thirty. Late enough Havva had gone to bed, but John asked Neil to come in to my room for a moment, and I prayed very hard to say only what Hashem wanted me to say. And I said to Neil, "there's no good way to say this, so here it is: your living here isn't working out. Since you came back and paid rent for January as agreed, you have until the end of January." Which, mercifully, is soon.

Neil had no response. Unsurprizing. He goes flat, no affect, and days or months (or years) later explodes about this, that or the other. I am perfectly willing to say more, to discuss it with him, whatever. But only if HE brings it up. If he can't bring himself to initiate a conversation, then that is not my problem. I am really looking forward to him being gone. Let him enjoy what it is like to live here without family or help other than what is offered by so many strangers and acquaintances on the street as it were.

At least, in Israel there are hordes of people who are more than willing to go out of their way to help out someone, anyone. Let Neil learn to make compromises, because he just can't afford his fancy-shmancy food. Let him figure out what it's like to have to learn just what exactly things are in the markets - the hard way.

I used to have this little poster, it said "Teenagers, leave home NOW while you still know everything!" I think of that now it reference to Neil. Years from now I'll wonder what took me so long, and why I put up with the shit that I did. Hopefully, years from now I'll be as much more whole and recovered from now as I am now from all those years back, which are like a fog to me now.

I wonder what will happen to him? I wonder if he will keep in touch or drift away? I don't care very much, I just wonder. Well, I do care that he not be coming back to visit any too soon. Just the thought os him coming back for Shabbos makes me tense - so that's probably not a good idea right away. And, hell, he hasn't even moved out yet. Aren't I getting ahead of myself?

I still have to survive 'til the end of January, at least.

Not much else is new. Worked on the jigsaw with Zechy. Listened to some audiobooks. Watched Four Weddings and a Funeral with pretty much the whole family for a treat. I barely left my room today - too dratted sick, and really no where to go and nothing to do. Once Neil is out (oh, please Hashem!) we'll have another room, that can be like a study. Get the arts and crafts and school supplies out of the den, get the computer gear and work stuff out of the salon and bedrooms, and cram it all into Neil's room. It will make so much more room in the salon, maybe enough for the whole family to be in there at the same time. That would be nice. And more room in the two bedrooms (mine and the boys') that have computers & desks in them. And less mess in the den. At least for a minute or too. :-)

I had a lot of trouble eating today. There is hardly anything in the house that doesn't have some sort of dairy with it. John made a vegan dish - a lentil leek saute - but there was no pita or matzoh to put it on. Not something you want to just eat with a fork.

Of course part of the problem is that tomorrow is the shopping day, so we're out of everything. And we're still wringing the money as tight as possible, so it's not like we can afford to go out and buy some steaks or even a cooked chicken (assuming we could find one - none in the store last time John looked). And most of the things we make that are pareve - not meat or dairy - take a lot of effort to prepare, and generally more expensive ingredients. It would help if we could live on the white flour and sugar junk that Neil claims is all we have here anyway. Or if I'd been healthy enough to make a soup or something this week. A fresh soup is a good thing to have when you are sick, I think. *sigh* Hashem doesn't seem to be supporting that today, though.

I do have the dried kiwi and garanim (sunflower seeds), if only I could live on them. John brought me a big bag of the fresh roasted sunflower seeds on Monday, thank goodness, even if I couldn't dream of eating any until today really. And not so many - the salt just isn't good for me right now.

I'm too tired, I don't even know what I just typed. Hans is sick, but seemingly better than yesterday. Zechy is sick, maybe a little bit worse. Havva is sick but she says she is quite a bit better. I warned Neil before he left the room not to come near me or any of the sick ones. As if that were possible here. But we surely don't want him sick here. Having to take care of him would just be too much over the top. I mean really.

Oy, last thing, my big computer, the fancy imac, has some sort of problem and has to go back to the place we bought it. It's a huge pain in the ass, and backing everything up to this laptop and John's laptop (I'm trying to back up a 150gb hard drive to two 40 gb hard drives - obviously not getting it all) is quite time consuming. But I can't burn any disks on the big computer, so I haven't really got any other choices. I suppose I could try emailing everything I have to myself and storing it online in the email server. ;-) Not the best idea ever, is it.

So, right now I'm using the laptop, while it is loading some of the newer stuff from the big computer - the latest financial data, photos of Abigail and Zachary, and so on. And I guess that's what I get to spend all my free time (sick time) doing for a while.

Okay, I'm going to try and sleep - Hashem willing. Didn't hardly sleep at all, every time I dropped off, I woke myself up coughing/choking. I got maybe an hour nap in the afternoon is all. *sigh* And I'm supposed to get better, how?

I'm listening to someone moving around in the house

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06