I'm grateful for: faith; having some water by the bed; tank tops (I love them).

I'm struggling with my attitude. I am very angry and John, and still angry at Chamudah. The thing with Chamudah is just going to exist until we find a way to control the beast of one of us drops dead. Simcha's bunny was (probably is) very ill, possibly dying, and Simcha was holding him on her lap, trying to get him to drink from a syringe when the bunny made a sudden hop. Chamudah was immediately after him, and the anger surged in me instantly. So, I guess I'm stuck with that. For today, anyway.

With John, I don't know. I don't want to be angry at him simply because it takes away from my joy in life. I really don't need anything extra to take away from whatever joy I manage to find, really. At the moment though it feels like my anger is protecting me. As long as I am angry, I am not going to fall back into playing his game. He thinks if he just waits for it to be over, it will. I am partly to blame for that, for years I've been demanding changes and then surrendering because I simply don't have the strength to keep it up.

As long as I am angry, I will not surrender to his pretense that everything is all right. He can roll his eyes and act and sound long-suffering as much as he wants, I am not going to let things go back to me acting as if everything is all right just because I haven't the strength to stand up for myself 24/7, 365 days a year except for leap years.

I am *not* trying to change him. What I need to do is to change me. Yes I am disabled and yes I can't work and I need help with simple daily tasks like going to the bathroom and dressing, but that doesn't mean I can't find a way to maintain the emotional/mental distance from his manipulative and nasty behaviours. And the first thing is I have to hang onto and remember that everything is NOT all right.

Last night I told John he wasn't human, and today I told him he is just a brain stem. It is sad that in many ways it really is true. It's scary, too. He has willfully and voluntarily shut down his basic humanity. And chooses to remain that way. Okay, so that is who/what he is.

Who am I and what do I do about it? I can't, can't, can't permit myself to succumb, not again. He talks to me in an ordinary tone of voice, asking about shopping, about money, wanting to know do I want this or should he do that. Which would be fine if it weren't a total lie. If he'd beaten me senseless last night the lie would be more obvious, but it is the same lie. That everything is okay. There is no need to make up because nothing is wrong. And as long as I play along I can get my hair washed, and he will make me treats like nachos, and I don't have to worry about my physical needs. It is telling that last night and tonight are just about the only nights all summer that he didn't bring me a bottle of water for by the bed. Last night it didn't matter, I had plenty scattered about anyway, but tonight I'm going to have to find something in the kitchen myself.

I can do it, but as with getting to the bathroom, it's going to take some work. I am in awful pain. Have been all day. Not that that's unusual or anything. Nor is it unusual that John's most awful behaviour is reserved for when I am at my lowest ebb.

*sigh*

Okay, so I am working on keeping a positive attitude except that I am actually clinging to being angry at John as a protective measure, but trying to keep that anger from becoming obsessive because that is bad for me and ---- fuck it! It's got to be Hashem's problem. As does my getting the water and to the bathroom. 'Cause I just can't do it myself, and there isn't anyone else, is there?

There are no atheists in foxholes. I thank Gd that I stopped being an atheist before I hit this particular fox hole, but it most definitely is one. A fox hole, I mean. I do have a higher power and He is stronger than my rat-bastard husband, dying rabbits, pet killer dogs, or my body's damned insistence on not working. Now if only He would do something about the damned bleeding.

I'm listening to Sixteen Stone: Body

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06