I'm grateful for: more insight, there's always more to learn and figure out; an active (for me) day; not getting sick from bad food.

So tired, and up late again. I'm a little angry at my husband and a little angry at Gd. Not much I can do about either right now.

It was another good day. A bit of a bad start, not enough sleep and some bad dreams (or memories?) I woke up grouchy, but was able to get past that. It helped that John was at work today.

My lunch was bad - I mean the food was probably dangerous. John put all the 'good' leftovers on top of other food on the top shelf of the refrigerator. Right under the light. I tried to talk to him about it tonight, but didn't manage it. Must remember tomorrow. I went ahead and ate it, despite knowing it could make me sick. I don't really know why, but as it hasn't made me sick I guess it's okay. There's still some of it in the fridge, I have to try to remember to get it out tomorrow. Too much to remember tomorrow.

Well, after all that (not that it was so much to recount, but it was after noon and probably after one p.m.) I finally was able to get out of bed. I wanted to go for a walk but it was too hot outside, so instead I just walked around the house, for exercise. It works as long as I keep moving. After a bit of that I folded laundry, and somehow got into sorting books out. We are donating a bunch of books to the local library, which asked us for more English books to increase their collection. We have thousands of books, plenty of which we don't need to hang onto ourselves. Especially if they are going to be at the local library if we want to read them again sometime.

I don't know how many we ended up choosing for the library, but along the way we ('we' is myself, Havva, Zechy and Simcha before she went to work) started picking out some books for a homeschoolers book swap on Thursday. Also identified a couple of duplicates, and got some dusting done as well. Books can collect an awful lot of dust in the desert.

By then it was time for some supper. John wasn't home, Simcha (who had said earlier she could and would cook supper) was at work. Eliyahu and I ended up having a supper of nibbles. A little bit of cheese, chips, whatever came to hand. It worked, but it's not what I like. Not that what I like is often consulted...

Well, that did me in. End of day for my activity. By the time John did get home I was trying to be a zombie - as much as everyone demanding my attention would permit. I think I figured something out, but I don't know if I can put it into words very well. About John keeping me down - which is to say non-functional, stuck in my room, stuck in bed - so I can't help but spend my time and energy on HIM. I can sort of see it, but it's just out of reach - I feel like I am reaching my hand out but missing it, whatever it is. Whatever game it is I know I don't have to play, but it would probably be easier if I could identify it better.

Zechy read aloud a Star Wars short story that was actually pretty good (surprized me too). John read aloud from the next Harry Potter book, the Half Blood Prince. How about that, I remembered. Then Zechy read aloud a bit of Mansfield Park.

I was happy most of the day, too. I really think that being able to be active makes me happier than sex. Maybe if I was more active normally - but I've been bad enough to not be able to leave my room, or my bed, so much of the last three years, that just walking around the house is a treat. And sex with John, well, not so much... *sigh* Selfish prick.

I'm getting better, I'm moving forward, I am not being so enmeshed in his shit, even if I'm still pretty dependent. I'm angry because I got caught up again, but not so badly and certainly not for so long. Hashem help me to keep on getting better with this. *sigh*

I must sleep, tomorrow we are supposed to apply for a mortgage, take Havva and the books to her work at the library, and drive to Jerusalem to talk to a computer repair guy. I also need to bathe and wash my hair, and remember to talk to John about the whole food thing. He's been wasting, throwing away, destroying food for a couple of weeks. I wonder... does he think he can hurt me by ruining the food in the house? Or has he just run out of other things to fuck up?

Nope, that can't be it.

I must sleep. Really. Good night.

I'm listening to V�rttin�: Seelinnikoi. It's folk music from Finland. Lot's of fun, too.

Same group, different song.

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06