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Honey is Sweet My day, balance, a friend - 2007-12-12 I'm grateful for: wonderful friends; wonderful children; a husband who has stayed, and worked, when most won't, or don't. Today was a blessed, blessed, quiet day. I even had some time alone in the house. I slept (not enough, but better), I rested. I was able to shower (not wash my hair, boo, but I am NOT complaining), I did several loads of laundry. I managed to keep up with the news for the most part. I cleaned, well really only straightened, S3's room. I wish I'd been able to clean it. But maybe Friday? I am working on cutting down my inbox. I have email unanswered and even unread going back at least a month. I am making progress, slowly, slowly. The incredible piles of stuff around me that I need to deal with aren't precisely shrinking, but they aren't growing either. I think... ?? Well, at the very least, they are growing more slowly. I think I have the laptop in good enough condition that I can let D2 take it with her next weekend. She is buying it off of us for probably less than it's worth, but she is our daughter. And not making piles of money. A sad thing - D1 phoned tonight, and I had to avoid her, stay away from the phone. Extra sad because I know TH got to hear our grandson a bit, I would have loved to hear his voice. And TH spoke with S1, who I've missed a couple of times I've called. I had to avoid the call because talking to D1 is one of the things that most unbalances me. I want too much -- I wonder if that is clear to others? I want her too much, I want her to like me too much, I want to do the right thing too much, I just want too much - which leads me to losing my balance, as I try too hard to be/do something that she would want/like/need rather than just be who I am and do what I do. So, as I am seeking to regain some semblance of balance, emotional balance, mental balance, I have to not talk to her, or listen to her. I have to be certain that I am centred, that I am in a good spiritual place, that I am focused on being honest and true, and doing what Hashem wants. Right now, there is no way. A little alone time, a little quiet, allows for a lot more clarity. The noise between my ears has shrunken to a dull roar. One really good thing today was I spent a fair amount of time with my (turning out to be) best friend here, MS. That is my friend MS, not my disease MS. So confusing. I wish she had a middle initial or something. Anyway, my friend MS and I had a heated discussion. Or maybe two, I forget. I was WONDERFUL!!! We disagreed, we argued back and forth (but just a little bit). At the end of it I phoned her back to tell her how much I love her and how special and wonderful she is. She is. You see, with her, I don't have to muzzle myself. I can't say I have never had to muzzle myself - it's a process, and over time there will be more arguments, eventually leading to less arguments, as we learn to know each other better and also to use words the same way rather than using the same words but meaning different things. With her, I just say what I mean, and if she misunderstands, we work it out. She doesn't get in a snit, or refuse to talk to me, or assume I'm stupid because we disagree, or be friendly to my face while secretly nursing a grudge. With her, I can interrupt her and know that we'll still be friends afterward. What I mean is, I don't have to be careful, I don't have to watch what I say. It is simply marvelous. Of course it wouldn't be if in not watching what I say I was insulting or mean or hurtful or inconsiderate but that's the thing. I'm not. I'm really not. I also know that on the (extremely rare) occasion that she says something that comes across as patronizing or dismissive, that that truly is not what she means, or what she feels. So I don't get upset, get my panties in a twist as it were. There is no reason to. We both mean well, we both are human and sometimes make mistakes or might say something hurtful unintentionally. WE both understand this. We don't always understand each other -- I might go so far as to say we understand each other less often than we get it wrong. But we're both of us willing to work on it. Amazing. I haven't written about her much before, in part because I write more about problems, but also because this relationship has been growing, slowly. It's taken time and lots of pieces to come together to get here. I expect it will take lots more time before it matures into something more, and I really hope that it will. I can't think of anyone I've ever met I would want more for a lifelong friend. In any event, arguing with her was just what I needed as an antidote to all the people I've been having to be careful around. Too many of them lately. I kind of let loose more than I ordinarily would have as a result. And as a result of THAT, I am breathing a bit more freely. S3 actually spent the day at her house, playing with her son. It went so well she wanted to know if he could come back tomorrow. He can't, but will be going up Sunday to spend the day again. Her son is a child I want S3 to spend more time around, in part as an antidote to his friend with PTSD who has been here a bit too much of the time lately. D3 worked a full day today, and also got paid (she gets paid once a month). She's quite rich at the moment. S2 had a driving lesson, and also spent the quiet of the day resting. We all went to bed in good time, although I've been reading, and writing, so I'm up past midnight. It's only half-past, so I have a reasonable hope of getting eight hours sleep, even with a dentist appointment tomorrow. *sigh* Pray for me. I really hate going to the dentist. I'm listening to Infected Mushroom: Suliman 0 bleats so far:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::
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