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Honey is Sweet Writing rather than reading or sleeping - 2008-02-07 I'm grateful for: the metapelet; a change in feeling; every little thing. I've had a number of nights when I've had to choose between reading and writing here. Tonight is one of them, although I might have chosen to just get some sleep and skip it all. I'm feeling a bit guilty for not writing more is all. I'll get over it. In the meantime, let me say that everyone here is sick. We all have a touch of the 'flu, but S3 has it pretty badly. TH slept in his room a couple of nights because he kept waking up, and was so very miserable. S3 has been sleeping days in my room. Today he was well enough that I think he only climbed into bed with me once. Thank goodness for that. I've been going out of my mind, feeling overwhelmed and rushed and stressed and I don't know what, and I have no idea why. Just freaking out for no apparent reason. I'm trying to take a step back, or two, or three, and just work on praying and remembering that everything really is okay. It really is. I don't know why I get so wigged out. I have this feeling of time being short, and that I'm somehow behind on everything that is supposed to get done. I don't even know what it is I am supposed to be accomplishing. More sleep would be nice, as would more housework, more Hebrew studies and so on. Also, having this terrible tooth taken care of would be a huge blessing. Did I write here about the tooth? About how I went in for a root canal only the anesthetic didn't work and the dentist kept jabbing me with more and more shots of lidocaine, as if it would work any more the fourth time when it hadn't worked the first three. The pain was unbelievable, she drilled down until she'd uncovered the root. I'm not sure what finally convinced her it wasn't working - I'd been saying for a while that I couldn't go through with this - but she finally packed the tooth, what's left of it, with some cotton soaked in antibiotics and some sort of pain killer, and rescheduled for me to come back in two weeks. I can't imagine why I should go back in two weeks though. She is just going to do the same thing again. What is that thing about insanity - doing the same thing and expecting different results? I don't need to go there. I'd like to think that that was when/where the freaking out started, but I was doing it before then. I must breathe, I must find a way to stop racing around, inside my head at least. It's not getting me anywhere, that's for sure. On the upside, or one of the upsides, except for that one time, I've managed to get on the exercycle every single day. I've given up on trying to reach a target pulse/heart rate, though. I just ride, pushing myself only a little. I can't afford to do more, because I push myself too hard that's an M.S. relapse waiting to happen. I've also been using the hand weights. I use the 8lb. weights mostly, but I have to use the fives when I try to fully extend my arms out to the sides. It's amazing to me that I am so strong even in such a limited area, after so many years of being so non-functional. I do hope that I will be able to get some visible change out of al this, but that's not for today. Today the important thing is that I am able to do it and I keep doing it. Today the metapelet came again. We had a really good time. It sounds funny, but it's mostly true. She made me breakfast, and we chatted while I ate. Then we chatted while she prepared a bath, and after that we worked together - I worked on my Hebrew and she worked on her English. I read a couple of children's books with her, I read the Hebrew and she translated them into English. At first I wanted to tell her she didn't need to translate ALL of it, I could understand enough, but then I realized that what she was doing was practicing English. After that we just sort of played together, reading some of my four page Hebrew easy readers, answering questions about the stories together, and complimenting each other on our language abilities. It was fun. It's funny, one of the things that has changed is I don't feel that deadly fatigue all the time any more. I don't know if it is the alternative medical care (acupuncture, chiropractic, and diet/supplements), or the exercising or the weather or all of the above. And yet I am still tired all the time and haven't any energy to do much of anything. It still sucks, but it's very curious how it's changed. I like being without the deadly, mind-numbing fatigue. I'd like to be able to do things as well, though. And now it's getting awfully close to 1am, and I really want to try and get some sleep tonight. Tomorrow is a full day with a driving lesson for S2, and getting S1's things set up in the mostly ceilinged room, and three dr.s appointments. Not to mention food shopping. Oh, the little things... I am so, so, so tired. But mostly happy. Despite the freaking-outness. Maybe sleep will help with that? I don't know. Anyway, later. I'm listening to the fan on the big computer. 0 bleats so far:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::
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