I'm grateful for: poppy seed bagels toasted with butter; taking surveys for money; almost finished with that dratted blanket!

I haven't much to say, but I'm here and I might as well type something I guess. I forgot that TH wasn't going to work until next week, and had been looking forward to him being gone all day today. *sigh* I'm in my room, contemplating doing some floor exercises, in lieu of having a real life. I can do that, I actually have (barely) enough floor space to get down on the floor. I prefer floor exercises actually, but since my balance is questionable, most of them can be problematic. Ah, well.

I haven't eaten or drunk anything yet, either. It's after 1pm. I am waiting to see what happens, I guess. I know I can't hide out here all day, neither eating nor drinking. I know that I need to stay as completely detached from TH as possible, which means either waiting him out (doesn't he have anything to do outside of the house?) or, better, grabbing a teenager on his/her way past my door to help me out with either getting him out of the house or bringing stuff to me. This sounds so silly, doesn't it?

I'm hoping this is truly temporary, and life can resume a 'normal' pattern soon. It depends on things I have no control over, but when he goes to work the whole avoiding thing becomes so very much simpler. The thing is, he is monstrously emotionally abusive, yes, but the problem is not his behaviour as much as my getting caught up in it with him. When I can stay emotionally uninvolved in his shit, I can be okay. Mostly. At the moment, the only way I can stay uninvolved is to stay entirely away from him. I've gotten to sensitive to his shit. Entirely too sensitive.

In many ways this is a good thing. It is a sign of healing, or rather, further healing. In trying to be who I really am instead of a whole string of defensive behaviours, I have let go of many of those defensive behaviours, hence, my sensitivity to the things that he says/does that are abusive. I cannot change him. I'm not even interested in changing him. I am interested in healing enough that I can be okay with me regardless of him. If I can pay as little attention to him as he does to me (and he does pay very little attention to me. As long as I stay in my room he doesn't even notice I exist - it's my insisting that he acknowledge my existence that brings on the abuse), even while he is in my face, then I can be okay.

I actually don't ever want to be that bad. So, I don't want to pay *no* attention to him, but I do want the choice of paying no attention to him. I don't know if I'm making any sense.

I don't really care, either.

I said I hadn't much to say, but here I am typing and typing... this stuff is all in my head and it's probably better to get it out by writing it or saying it. Better still if I could get rid of the voices in my head telling me I'm wrong or stupid or bad or (more commonly) that I have to explain everything to death lest I be misunderstood, despite my life-long experience that it doesn't matter how well or thoroughly I explain myself, some will choose to misunderstand me, some just can't get it, and most really don't care anyway.

I hope the people who care either won't misunderstand me because they have paid attention and know a bit more about me than just this entry, or will have the good sense to ask. I am so tired of people assuming the worst of me.

And Hashem provides! S2 just stuck his nose in my room and asked if I wanted him to bring me breakfast. I'm good, now. I am thinking that it is possible that after TH goes to sleep I will go out for a walk. I live someplace where the only thing I have to worry about in going for a very late night walk is being surprized by snakes. As long as I stay in the middle of the street that shouldn't be a problem - I may still meet a snake, but I won't be surprized by one. I don't think we have any snakes that are dangerous to humans right around here anyway. Hmmm. I may well find out.

The weather is beautiful. Warm, but not too hot, during the day, cooling off in the evening to fairly cool - cool enough I can sleep under a warm sheet or light blanket, but not at all cold. Good weather for me to take a walk.

Okay, I'm really tired of rambling on like this. Enough, enough, enough.

I'm listening to Buddy Holly and the Crickets: Listen To Me

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06