I'm grateful for: um, friend Jennifer who took over for me at a meeting when I couldn't do it any more; a really yummy baked potato for supper tonight; I was down two kilo on the scale today.

Tonight, well, for the last 24 hours or so, I've been trying to read other people's diaries. I'm having waves of raging jealousy, which is making it hard for me. Jealousy over other people's gardens, jobs, - oh Damn! - just doing stuff. Anything.

Today's achievement for me was knitting forty rows of edging. The rows vary from eight to eighteen stitches. Not exactly impressive.

I'm trying not to get too discouraged and depressed.

This is so normal. I do well, I crash, then I sort of crawl around trying to be able to do anything, making little, tiny bits of progress here and there. Like, forty rows of edging. It's more knitting than I've managed in months. Possibly as long as a year. No, I was knitting at the end of 2008 I think. Anyway, forty rows is twice as many as I managed yesterday. It's progress. It's f***ing depressing is what it is.

I didn't just lay in bed all day doing nothing. I sat up in bed for part of the day. Go, me. Why doesn't that encourage me?

I really don't think I did anything else today. Four or five loads of laundry got done, and I'm sure I had something to do with it, somewhere. And I got the movies kind of straightened out. With D3's help. They don't all fit in the shelves yet, but we are getting there.

Somehow all of that doesn't inspire me. I remember gardening. I've had several successful gardens in different homes in my life. Likewise I've held jobs, and may even someday again. But right now it's been over a decade, maybe even longer, since any of that. And today I spent lying around except when I moved to sit up for a while. And then I had to go lay down and rest. It's just very depressing.

I don't even want to write about it - I have no life, and nothing to say. I am having a hard time again with the writing for me/in a public diary dichotomy. I have a private diary, but I rarely go there. I don't know why. I come here and then whine about shit. And worry about what anyone reading may think. Stupid, stupid.

I am just not in a good place to be writing here right now. But I couldn't not, as I was just getting more and more depressed reading about people doing all sorts of things I'd love to be doing, but can't.

Well, hell, that was fun. Let's do that again. Not!

And I had something good to write about - was it last night? I can't even remember that. I can't remember what it was. All the good stuff just sort of vanishes like that, somehow.

Tomorrow I have to try and find a long sleeve button down shirt for S3 to wear in a riding show. And buy groceries, and a camera for D2's birthday, and notebooks and pens for S2, and S3 also needs jeans, and a belt. I should probably buy more blank cd's.

S3 is doing really well with his schoolwork. Hebrew and English and math today, and he read the story The Lambikin by Enid Blyton. Zooming right along.

Trying to just do the next right thing, and remain open to Hashem's will for me - it works, and it feels better than not doing it, but sometimes it is really hard when I have my nose rubbed in the sorts of lives other people manage to have. It would be really good if I could stop wanting what I don't/can't have. Now if someone would only tell me how.

I'm listening to the Grateful Dead: Eyes of the World

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06