I'm grateful for: My kids; an appointment with a gyn (I think); some beautiful new earrings

Woke up today at 2:30pm, about. I'm having the damndest time feeling like I am a bad ima (mother). I am so weak. I can barely manage the littlest basics right now - sitting up, going to the bathroom. And I have two children who are still young enough to really need more than a closed door all the time from me.

This is one of the reasons living in the country is so important to me. Here, if I'm going through a bad patch, the children have absolutely nothing to do except to wait for someone to take them somewhere so they can do something. They watch movies and read books, and occasionally do crafts and ride their bicycles... and that is it.

It's hotter than hell here. As usual for July in Israel. And what they should be doing is finding a bit of shade outside and exploring, playing, climbing, learning, messing about with things, finding ways to entertain themselves that don't include waiting for a grownup to have time/energy to do something with them or

Well, for instance, in weather like this on the farm, Zechy would put on good running shoes and go running up, down, and around the hill with the goats. Hans built tree-houses, there were six or so around the place, and he would pick one to climb up and read a book in. I can't itemize all the things Havva would do, she has always kept so busy there was no tracking her. Taking care of animals, reading, studying, hiking..

What Simcha and Eliyahu do? They play games on the computer, watch movies, and whine at the adults. There is nothing wrong with playing games on computers and watching movies if it isn't all that you do. And the problem is most assuredly not lack of motivation. When we lived in Vermont they went out in the road and dug holes and built dirt castles. And explored the 'puddle' and rescued tadpoles and climbed the mountain (as much as they could), and so on and so on and so on.

It's this place. It is horrible.

And me being crippled. How do I not hate myself for what I can't help? My kids have been living in this bit of hell for over a year. Nothing is going to change if we don't get them out of here. Where is Hashem? Why aren't we finding our place and moving to it? Why can't John get offered a telecommuting job which will allow us to get the hell out of here? Or us find a house on a moshav in the centre which would allow us to move but him keep the job he has now? I just don't get it. I am starting to hate it here almost as much as I hated Springfield, Mass. As much as I hated living in Orange County, California. The two places which were my previous definition of living in hell.

Maybe someday I'll write about either of them. In my copious spare time. Yeah.

How can I have any spare time when I haven't the strength to do the simplest most basic things that need doing? I do what I can, then I have to rest, and there is no time for anything else. And my children suffer for it.

If they grew up like this, I have no doubt they would be doing what all the other kids in the neighbourhood are doing - drugs. They are so bored, and it is so pointless. They have absolutely nothing that's important to them and keeps them interested in life. Instead, they know a different way of life, and they just withdraw. I'm not complaining, I don't want them involved with these kids.

*sigh*

I have to get in the bathtub so I can go to the gyn who will tell me there is nothing wrong with me, or else that there's nothing he can do for me, and then he will give me more hormones (if I'm lucky) and I'll be back on this ridiculous cycle, only with a new dr. At least then the next time I am bleeding like this (if he gives me the hormones, it will take a couple of months, or three) I'll already have the gyn to see, and maybe he'll actually examine me? Probably too much to ask.

Anyway, I'm off. Yesterday was hot, I got some books catalogues and some laundry folded, and Neil came back from Istanbul around one in the morning. With gifts including a really beautiful pair of earrings (for me), and a pillow-cover for a throw pillow which is really great looking.

Just for the record.

I'm listening to the fan and my thoughts

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06