I'm grateful for: things easing up; Havva staying home tomorrow; Balta sleeping on my bed last night.

I was trying to figure out why I am having such a hard time writing. Is it the friggin' 'flu? I have no answer. I seem to be basically well except for sleeping a lot more than usual, and right now I have a sore throat, which could be a really bad sign for tomorrow. Or not. Who knows? I am really tired of being sick, that's for sure. How much of this is stress I can't guess, but a fair amount I think.

So, I have taken steps. First thing, I may or may not have written about this, I have made the decision to tell Neil he may not live here any longer. About time, I know, but sometimes it's hard to see what the right thing to do is. For so long he was someone who was there for me - not always in a good way, not always helpful, but with him around I wasn't alone.

How much of the change has to do with my uncle dying, and how much with moving to Israel, I can't begin to guess. But we have both definitely changed, and in his case it seems not for the better.

Rather than going off half-cocked, I'm trying to do this right. I talked with Havva and John today. Told them that Neil can't live here any longer, because it's just too hard on me. Told them some of the details, and that I need their help. I am not going to say anything to Neil just yet. First I need to talk to the younger kids - the ones who will actually miss him. I need to do that when he is not here, so I'm thinking Monday, after he has gone to Jerusalem. Then when he comes back from Jerusalem, whether that is Monday night or Wednesday or when, I will need to tell him he has to go - with John and Havva there and, hopefully, providing help. At the very least I'll probably be holding on to their hands very tightly.

So now I only have to hold my breath through tomorrow and part of Monday. After the last few I should be able to do this standing on my head. It's very stressful and scary, but I can't continue to allow this whole business to negatively effect me and the kids. And they are definitely negatively effected when I am stressed.

I can't even think where Neil will go and what he will do. I don't know, and, fortunately, it's not my problem. He will either find a place for himself, or he won't. If he doesn't and he has to come crawling back here at some future time, well then, at least he won't be quite so contemptuous and vile. Or if he is, I can refuse to have him here.

Today wasn't very quiet again. There were books read aloud, and we worked on a jigsaw puzzle which we didn't finish. It's over a 1000 pieces, a father and baby penguin. I think if we'd started a bit earlier and the weather had been more accomodating we could have finished it. But it was dark and stormy, making it harder to work a puzzle, and cold. Very, very cold. I am hoping tomorrow will be warmer, because if it is not, I don't know what I will do. I don't even dare take a shower while it's so cold, because I'm having such a hard time fighting off the 'flu, I don't dare strain my body that much more.

Hans is no longer suffering the pains from the scorpion sting, or at least he hasn't mentioned. Zechy appears to be coming down sick again, which is one reason I'm concerned about this sore throat I have. He had a really nasty headache with a cough. Havva spent most of the day saying, sometimes delightedly, "I don't have to go to work tomorrow!" Saturday nights would be very stressful for her, contemplating having to get up around 5am to go back to the base on Sunday. So she would find herself starting to stress, and then would remind herself that it's over, she's out (almost). John commented tonight that he wouldn't have to get up at the crack of dawn to drive Havva to the train station. That means working from home on Sundays is actually a bit restful, as he can sleep a bit later and relax more.

Pretty much all is good, I guess, besides the sore throat and 'flu, and of course waiting to resolve the Neil thing. It won't be over that quickly, or easily, but having made the decision there should be less the feeling of trying to stuff lit dynamite back inside of me over and over again.

It's almost 2am, and I had intended to try and get some sleep at a reasonable hour - which I don't think this is. I'm certainly tired enough. I need to wind down too much these days. I need to not get so wound up is the easy answer. I'm working on it.

One more really tight week, and then the money thing should start to ease out no matter what happens. Thank goodness! My disability shows up on the 28th. And that pays the rent and electric bill, and possible sewer (or the sewer can wait until next month) and then we are kind of flush. At least it won't be deficit spending, even if we won't be out of debt, and possibly not making progress against the debt. Won't know about that until the time comes.

Praying for good news from the taxes. That would set us up for a while. And otherwise, nothing much to write. A full, happy day with kids and dogs, but I just have to sleep. Someday I foresee that the little, good things will be what I have to write about. Or, I hope so.

I'm listening to the wind and rain lashing against the treeceem on my window.

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06