I'm grateful for: having almost my whole desk in my room; feeling warm and cozy; a long talk w/TH.

Things seem to be changing in all kinds of big ways. I know I am not viewing this diary at all as I have been. I don't feel very much the need to write to clear out my head, or to record and remember things happening in my life. I might well again, but just at the moment, no.

My mind is becoming clearer - I'm remembering things I haven't remembered for a long time, like things I used to like and had forgotten all about. One example is salad. I used to eat a salad of shredded lettuce, carrots, cucumber, green pepper, shredded cheese and shredded hard boiled eggs. I love it, and it was a pretty staple part of my diet. I'd somehow forgotten all about it. Completely. So completely that even though we had all of the inredients available at any given time since we moved to Israel, I've had a great deal of trouble eating any sort of salad we came up with. What's with that? So, last night out of nowhere, I suddenly remembered it, and asked TH to make one for me. I had one tonight, even bigger. Tasty and good for me. How did I forget that? And why am I now remembering it?

Things are changing in my relationship with TH. It is slow, it is difficult, it is very hard and sometimes really unpleasant, but it is in a good direction. He is actually talking to other people (at least one), instaed of using me for all of his psychological needs. I'm expressing it badly, but it is really important that he is actually turning to someone else, and asking for help. Or at least talking to someone else about whatever it is he needs to talk about.

I'm spending more time, and better time, with S3. He's always gotten the short end of the stick, because as a little guy we could put him in a room with some legos and a computer, and then cope with our own problems, leaving him to his own devices. It worked, he certainly doesn't seem permanently traumatized, but it's never felt good to me to do that. Lately I've been getting up with him in the middle of the night, talking to him if he can't get right back to sleep. He and I have had a few 'conversations,' which is to say he tells me all about whatever game he's playing (lately he's been a baby niffler and I'm his ima niffler. Don't even ask me what a niffler is, I have no clue *very big grin*), and I actually try to listen a bit and take some of it in. I don't even bother to try to take it ALL in. He's one of those 8yo guys who can talk non-stop for hours barely pausing to draw breath. And can he stick to a point!

I feel like I'm doing a better job generally with S2 and D3, just being a slightly better ima, more present, more responsive. Actually last Friday I was more bitchy, but it was me, out there and real, instead of hiding out in my room avoiding. And we did get that whole wheat pound cake baked. It was good, too. I'll try to remember to post the recipe if anyone is interested.

Gah, I can't think any more. The blasted cat is scratching away at my door. I don't want to get up to let her in, 'cause just getting up will keep me awake for another twenty minutes, but if I just leave her scratching, then how will I sleep through that? It's all so hard.

Well it's 1am and time for me to at least try to get some sleep. We are trying to leave the house tomorrow by 9:30am to get to the shuk and the zoo. Must try and get some sleep.

Oh, I talked to FB today, and also talked at him. He's still a jerk, but that seems to be working. Dammit, I'm tired.

I'm listening to the blasted cat scratching away at my door.

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06