I'm grateful for: reading aloud to my son; a day out; being able to be grateful at all.

I'm trying really hard not to get depressed, to not cause myself to go into a downward spiral of misery, gloom and doom. I'm trying. I really just want to bawl my eyes out, I want to curl up in a little ball, I want the world to go away for a while and leave me to the contemplation of my problems. I don't want to cope with children or housework or food or schedules or anything I've ever promised I would do for anyone. I don't want to have to answer emails, or read what other people have written, I don't want to sleep, but I don't want to be awake. I just ... just ...

What's it all about, Alfie? I started bleeding again. Didn't just 'start,' bleeding, it's just about as heavy as it's been. As far as I can tell, the only difference between this and before the surgery is that now it hurts more. I'm guessing the scar tissue on the womb isn't as able to cope with this as my prior, unscarred uterus.

I went to the zoo today with the two youngest children. The Husband drove. We stopped at a restroom in a gas station just before we got to the zoo -- Thank Goodness! And for the love of Gd, I could have been in there for twenty minutes or more (thank goodness it was way better than run-of-the-mill public toilets in Israel). The blood just didn't stop coming, and it was everywhere. I managed to leave the bathroom looking pretty much as it did before I went in there, and by the grace of Gd I was wearing black jeans. Also I still had some disposable pads stashed in my bag, never having bothered to clean them out. I just can't describe it, a scene from a horror movie.

So here I am now, back at home (we did have a nice time at the zoo for a couple of hours), trying not to just dissolve into misery and self-pity. I mean, what was the f---ing point? After all of that, it's going to take weeks to get in to see the rofeh nashim, then I have to get him to believe the bleeding is this bad - again. And then we go through the whole course presumably of preparing for a hysterectomy. Unless they come up with some other stalling tactic to keep me bleeding for an additional six to eighteen months. I can't live like this!

You can't begin to imagine, unless you'd been here, how much of my time, energy, efforts have been devoted to just coping with all the bleeding. Cleaning up the blood, eating to keep my strength up, extra laundry, extra changes of sheets, never going anywhere I can't be sure of the bathrooms. I have an entire drawer almost full of cloth diapers that I wear because nothing else even comes close to catching all the blood, and I still bleed through them with alarming regularity. I can't do this. I can't keep doing this. I don't want them to cut my body open and take bits out, but I just can't even begin to think about it all starting again. I had, what? five weeks? Five weeks of relatively normal life (if you count recovering from surgery as 'normal') and now this.

Scheduling my meals around the iron and other supplements I have to take. Having to buy meat, very, very expensive meat, because I simply can't survive without it. Having to have meals separate from the rest of the family because of my scheduling and the fact that it is not okay for me to eat a whole steak in front of my kids who have just spaghetti, or pita pizzas, or macaroni & cheese for the nth time in a row.

Having to choose my clothing based on what won't show the blood, or what will do a better job of absorbing it if I have a sudden 'gush.' Wearing only my oldest and nastiest underwear all the time because anything else is just a waste, and any time I try to wear anything newer or better, it merely becomes some more of my oldest and nastiest...

I can't exercise when I bleed like this, I can barely walk from one place to another. I can't lose weight, I can't tone muscle, I HAVE NO LIFE and it is almost entirely because of three and a half years of almost constant bleeding.

I want to decapitate every single one of the f---ing drs. I want to make them drown in blood. I want the whole bleeding world to end, right now, just so I don't have to go through this any more. Dear Gd, I can't take this.

Anyway, that's me trying to keep my spirits up. Aren't you glad I haven't surrendered to the black depression that threatens? Could it be worse?

I don't even want to stop writing this, 'cause when I'm done then I have to face the fact that I absolutely promised someone I would read what she wrote and get back to her tonight. And someone else I invited to my house, who's email address I have to track down in order for us to exchange phone numbers. And tomorrow TH is taking S3 to work with him, and I have to cope with the house and all the little disasters that always crop up that the teenagers just can't seem to manage on their own.

I just can't even deal with the thought of life continuing as 'normal' right now. And have I mentioned that I'm feeling sorry for myself?

I was thinking I probably should lock this, only I have no way to lock only one entry which would mean locking up the whole diary and ... I am not up to coping with these kinds of complicated decisions. So I guess I'll put a warning at the beginning, and hopefully anyone who doesn't want to read this stuff read it and stayed away. I just can't be responsible for other people iggies today.

At least tomorrow S3 will be visiting with his friend for the day, which will make it a lot less stressful here than it otherwise might be. I'm sorry I can't go with him, but going on a big trip now is completely out of the question.

So what else? Actually outside of my own personal hell things are going well. Perhaps very well, but I can't see clearly enough through my own mental fog to tell. Kids are healthy and happy, financies are holding out quite well really, we DID make it to the zoo today (hooray!), kids got 'socialized' and food got bought, and new sheets for my new bed, and TH got new pants, and I got a really nice scarf which D3 can tie on my head (I can't manage these things, but she can, and makes them look good, too).

Oddly enough, I'm looking better to myself lately. I look at my face in the mirror, and it isn't half as bad as it used to be. I wonder if that is the effect of five whole weeks without draining my blood? And, while I haven't lost any weight, my legs are looking less gross. How can I explain? I'm what is defined as (by those sick f**ks who think everyone should be underweight) morbidly obese. In any event, huge. My legs, well, I don't wear shorts, and people thank me for it. So, there is a noticeable change in my legs. My thighs are less 'full' looking, and there is a clear line beneath which my legs are clearly just big, and not fat. I, the former anorexic and still mentally leaning that way, find it all quite gross. And, the legs are less gross. So, that's good... I hope.

If it is the result of the five weeks free of massive bleeding, then I can't expect these positive changes to stay. Trying not to think too hard about that, or allow it to add to my looming depression. Trying.

I read aloud to S3 the book Harry the Dirty Dog, an old family favourite. Since there have been times I was literally unable to read to him, I have much more gratitude for this than I might otherwise.

I'm really glad (in a back-assward sort of way) that I have so much practice trying to keep my spirits up and coping with all kinds of major reverses. I can do this. The keeping spirits up thing. I'm not claiming I can cope with renewed bleeding. But I can somehow keep slogging forward, if not one day at a time, at least one next thing at a time. I hope.

I'm going to stop before efforts at not being depressed actually end up depressing me. The last thing I saw tonight before coming to bed was Christopher Eccleston (no promises on spelling) turning into David Tennant on Dr. Who. Not a bad end-note for the evening. Regeneration and wonderful big smiles, and promises of things to come.

Please Gd

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06