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Honey is Sweet *sigh* - 2008-10-29 I'm grateful for: managing to take a long walk, alone; keeping busy doing meaningful things; another day with TH out of the house. I took a long, long walk tonight (long for me) after walking too much and hurting my back earlier today. It just felt so good to get out of the house. And it was raining. Lovely to be out in the rain, and also just about assured I wouldn't run into anyone else. I tried calling people today. I needed to talk, or thought i did. What I learned - I have surrounded myself, not just surrounded myself but actively clung to, people who are so self-absorbed they haven't the ability to actually give a sh*t about me, even if they wanted to. I also phoned my sister, who I know cares even if she isn't very good at it. We are both learning this whole relating to each other thing, still. It doesn't just come naturally because you want it to. I listened to MMF. Really listened. I've done that before, but maybe my ears were clearer, or in opening my mind I was able to hear more than in the past. I noticed her bringing up all sorts of distractions and arguments that detracted from us being able to actually converse. I realized I tend to do that - do I do it only with her? I don't know. I think a difference is that I can choose not to, and she doesn't seem to be able to make that choice. It may be a result of the brain bleed and all that. I haven't a clue. I've done a lot of crying today. I get afraid, when I write about this, that I am going to lose all of my readers. But, this is my diary, and this is what I need a diary for. So, I take a deep breath and accept that what happens, happens. I know I am not miserable all the time, it just looks like it sometimes. I'm still 'enjoying' staying as separate as I can from TH. It really adds so much to my quality of life, it is amazing. Tomorrow he goes back to work, which will be really nice I hope. He is also taking S3 to visit with his friend in Bareqet, and S1 is also going north for the day. So it will be just me and S2 and D3. I'm a little scared that we won't be able to handle thing here, but on the other hand, there will be so much less to handle. *sigh* One of the ways TH has kept us under his thumb is by making sure that we cannot function without him. He sets up the gas balloons in some arcane way that only he can change them if one comes empty. He's wired all the computer equipment, routers, television, dvd and vcr in some impossible tangle that none of us has had the wherewithal to try to figure out. And so forth and so on. So that is the sort of thing we will not be able to handle. I used to have all these arguments with TH about how I needed him to do things so that I could manage when he wasn't home. He flat out refused to make any changes, and this is where it's at. So, we'll survive tomorrow somehow, I'm sure. It rained off and on all day. And everyone, including me, forgot about feeding and locking up the chickens and goats. Oy! We got our absentee ballots in the mail today. So, I will be voting in the election. For whatever that is worth. I'm a good citizen, I always vote and I try to be informed. That's what it's about, right? *sigh* The hospital called and moved up my appointment with the neuro for November 4. That is awfully soon now. I've got to stop. This is too long, and it's after 1am. I'd really like to get even eight hours sleep tonight, but it's not going to happen at this rate. I'm listening to מושיק עפיה (Moshik Affiah?) singing את האחת 'You Are The One' 0 bleats so far:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::
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