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Honey is Sweet News - 2009-05-29 I'm grateful for: Faith; independent income; my wonderful life so far. I have decided to move out - away from my husband. All things being equal, it might make more sense for him to move out and me to stay here with the kids, animals, &tc. Only, I can't live here. There is no way I can live here on my own. In this house. On this moshav. *sigh* I have really loved living here. ... So, now I am looking for a handicapped accessible place with room for at least two of my kids (D3 and S3), on a bus line, that I can afford ... is there anything else I can throw in to make this one impossible? I have a few options. Looking to share an apartment with another single mother might work. Or, we just give this place up entirely, and I move to a new family home and TH 'moves out' from us there. ... I talked a little bit with D2 about us maybe finding an apartment where we could live all together, but realistically given her needs and mine, I think it is an impossibility. Granted, Hashem can work miracles, but I have to try to make this work as if He isn't going to, because he may not. So there it is. For the moment. A whole lot of questions and plans and no clue what happens next. And it's shabbos, which means I can't phone people or really make any plans. TH is in his room, snoring. I don't know what he thinks about any of this. I was pretty harsh, hammering him on how he is NOT being ill-done-by, and he really DID make this choice - whether he chooses to acknowledge it or not. He would claim that all he did was take a day off because he was in pain, and there is no reason for me acting like this. Um, NO! So, before anything else can happen, we have to dance this dance. The sad thing is, I am not 'angry' at him, 'blaming' him. I won't say this is all his fault or that I'm an innocent victim. Relationships are made up of two people, and while there may have been times in the past when I had no choices, that is not true now, and I have been making choices. Not always good choices, perhaps, or wise choices or kind choices, but the best I thought I could do. What is sad about this is that I have to literally bash him over the head with his fault - his part in it - or he will soon be believing that he IS an innocent victim and he did nothing to deserve, and blah, blah, blah. Of course I have no possibility of keeping him even a little bit honest once I am gone. I am only hoping to keep him reasonable while we try to sort out things, like money, and possessions, and who goes where. That is also in Hashem's hands. And if his mother dies, well, then there are no hopes at all of keeping things on a reasonable level. But, well, that was always true, wasn't it? At the moment I am assuming that this is not the end of the marriage. I am assuming that it is POSSIBLE that I will be moving back in someday, if things work out. I am keeping an open mind. The future is not my problem, at least nothing more than the immediate future. If I AM going to be moving back in some day, then I would want to keep most of my stuff here, and TH to stay in this house. So - a lot depends on him and what we can agree on. I really hope he doesn't get ugly about this. I really do. It's shabbos. Shavuot was not the happiest holiday ever around here. We watched Witness, with Harrison Ford. D2 is here for the holiday weekend. The kids have been told, all except D1 and S2. I dread telling S2. If I can wait to tell him until he is here in person, that would probably be better. He's got enough going on without dealing with this. About D1, I don't know. I am not happy with the way things are with her anyway. Maybe, since if I move out I won't have a working phone, it will be a good break for us. I'll have to see what happens there. I am not reading anyone else's diaries, and for the moment at least not reading my notes, so that is why I have nothing to say to anyone. I am just putting one foot in front of the other. I want help and easy answers, but mostly I want shabbos to be over so I can start to make some plans, or at least figure out what sorts of plans I need to make... That's all I've got for now. Be well, all, and Gd bless 0 bleats so far:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::
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