I'm grateful for: a good friend, who tells it like it is; finally listening to my friend; lots of stuff to look forward to.

I don't know if I've mentioned it before ... the bombs are falling again. It's hard, I don't want it to be like this - I got used to not listening for them.

In other news, the world is full of other news, and I don't care. I'm having my own personal little pity-party here. It's not that I want to, it's more that I got kind of stuck. I lost something very, very dear to me, and I'm getting new stuff but it's not just like the old stuff and I don't want it. I'm going to have a two-year-old temper-tantrum any time now. No, wait, I think I already did.

Thank goodness for a friend with a willing ear. At least I think so. Perhaps I've used up her patience as well. It wouldn't be the first time. I do seem to run through friends, in real life at least.

I don't *want* to be queen baby. I just get stuck, and once I am stuck I just seem to dig myself deeper and deeper into the muck. See, the thing is I feel like such a failure, a loser. I do. It's not that I'm not aware at some level that what I am able to do is good enough, that I've successfully reared five children, and am mothering several more than that, that I keep a support network for survivors going, well, me and Hashem, in a climate that poo-poos survivors doing anything but taking drugs and 'getting on with their lives.' I am organizing my household, slowly, slowly, but progress is happening, I can even see it. I even make something occasionally - food, or something knitted, that sort of thing. I know all that, but somehow I just get stuck - particularly when I need someone - anyone - to give me a pat on the back, a little reinforcement, or reassurance. I don't have that, and that's the beginning of the downward spiral.

I'd really like to take a day off from being everybody's 'eema.' I'd like to take off a whole week. That was what was different when I was in the U.S. this last time. I wasn't mothering anyone, or not much. Not until I got to D1's. What I learned on my summer vacation: I need a Real vacation. Not going away to deal with dead father's crap, but a chance to get away from everything and everyone in my life, a chance to re-connect with me. I don't want to be alone, necessarily, so a chance to visit with people I don't see as part of my regular life would be grand. Now all I need is the money to do it. Heh-heh.

I got off the phone with my friend, and she asked if I was going to be okay, and I said I'm always going to be okay, I have an alarming consistency in that. And, again, it's not that I don't want to be okay, it's that I'm still not getting what I want. Boo-Hoo. and Wah!

I'm learning. It is a slow and a painful process. I'm tired of my own shit.

I was sick all day. Diarrhea and nausea, a delightful combination designed to make it a happier day. And TH is going to work tomorrow, to come home with a different car, but then I have to go grocery shopping because we have no other time. Late night grocery shopping on a Thursday again. I'd really like to be able to stop that.

My life is good enough. I don't feel like I am good enough. And I really think that that is only because I've never had a realistic scale to look at myself with. I just know what I want, and when I don't live up to that. Which is most of the time... I think I'm pretty normal that way.

Anyway, TH got the new nursery lul built, and mom and chicks installed apparently quite happily. I'm hoping to be able to go out and see them tomorrow, I couldn't today. One wall of the sukkah is up. S3 and LD survived their first day together, and seem to be doing all right. I hardly ate anything today and I'm not hungry. If only that ever translated to less weight. *sigh* At least it is less groceries.

We will have a full house and then some this weekend, with the whole family that is here in Israel, and LD, and D2's significant other, N. I kept saying where will we put everyone, but we seem to have worked something out.

I ordered a giant stuffed tiger for S3 for his birthday, and hopefully it will get here in time. If not then I still have the 'place-holder' dog to give him. And I guess I'll take LD out to buy some magic cards for S3, since S3 left a deck of them in his pocket and they went through the wash.

I'm babbling, and it's random, and I have an email to write, and it's already 1:30am. So enough.

I'm listening to the Gap Band: Oops Upside Yur Head (remarkable appropriate I think).

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06