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Honey is Sweet Not my best day - 2010-06-06 I'm grateful for: a comfy bed and new organic cotton sheets; improving health; unabridged dictionaries. I don't know that I really want to be writing here, 'cause I'm all sort of wah, wah, wah today. It's been a rough couple of days. Week? Not sure. Things went from good, busy, hard, painful, but good to just yucky awful with almost no warning. I don't want to talk about it, but I don't want to sit with it in my head, either. Not sure what to do. Just praying right now, really hard, and hoping that Hashem has some sort of good thing waiting. He has to, because this just sucks. Rocks. Loudly. I'm in a lot of pain. I don't know how much of it is physical (that is, something having to do with the body in the present) and how much of it is 'past life intruding on present time.' I'd love to have twenty-four hours to just focus on me and try to figure it out, but that's not what we have going here today. TH is at work and S1 and D3 are running the house, taking care of the animals and making sure that S3 eats regular meals, so there isn't that much that I have to do, but I do have to be 'present.' That ima/mother's presence that is the difference between it being a fairly normal day vs the kids being all stressed out from being on their own. A crippled ima who stays in bed all day and can barely hold a conversation is still an important part of a functioning household, at least around here. D2 and N. came down for the weekend. I don't know if it was the first time N. was here when I was this bad, I can't remember. It was pretty bad, though. S2 was home, as he will be home all weekends except one or two while he is at this course. In his new job, which starts when he finishes the course, he will not work weekends at all apparently. Anyway, S2 was also in bad shape. He slept all day Friday after he got home, and most of Saturday. We did get to spend a little time together - half an hour? - so it wasn't like we totally missed each other. Both of us value time we can spend with each other, so if we don't get it it doesn't feel good. D2 and N. left Saturday after sundown, and S2 left at 5am-ish this morning. It's been a quiet day, thank goodness. I feel so bad I wish I could cry, but I'm glad that I don't. There's loneliness and feeling abandoned mixed in there. It was really hard yesterday hearing people sitting in the salon having a good time, much laughing out loud, and I'm alone in my room feeling rotten. It was hard not to get jealous and angry. Actually, not too hard, but I was very aware of those sorts of feelings just sort of poised to come forward if I let them. Since I really didn't want to be in the salon with a crowd of people, and I desperately needed the time alone, I really was better off as I was. No need to feel jealous. It does bother me a little bit that RS seems to get on so well and so loudly with people, while I am more of a quiet creature. Not really hiding out in my shell, but the rollicking good humour is a lot harder for me to manage. Ah, well. I think that's more than enough of poor me for today. Not much I can do about the physical pain and feeling abandoned, but at least when I am writing I can do something about the lonely. I am damn tired of this sort of sh*t. I'm listening to KC & the Sunshine Band: That's the Way (I Like It) 2 bleats so far:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::
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