I'm grateful for: being up before noon; clearing some of the clutter out of my room; finishing a book or two.

After only getting three hours of sleep the night before last, last night I fell asleep at a relatively early time for me. I think I was asleep by 1am. Doesn't help much with the sleep count because we had to be up extra early today to drive S2 to a bus or train station. S2's boss phoned him at around 11pm last night to give him instructions about today. So, unthrilled all the way around on that one.

Here I am, awake, S2 is off with TH now to the train station in Ashkelon, and I can't fall back asleep. Seems pretty unfair. Well, six hours of sleep is a certain improvement on three, but...

WHY I only got three hours of sleep was poor S3. He actually has a heat activated allergy to the sun, and he was really suffering. I finally ended up having him sleep in my room, where there is air conditioning, but by the time he settled down, and then I was able to settle down, it was almost time to get up.

The night spent in the air conditioning was terrific for him though, so I'll have to remember about that for another time. When he woke up the rash was almost entirely gone. We did some good work on Hebrew, and other than that the day is pretty much a blur for me. Too sleep-deprived to function.

So, today I am again up during the normal daylight hours. If I can only fall asleep again as early, or (dare I hope) even earlier than last night, I may be on my way to being diurnal again. I think that would be nice. Particularly as now that I don't have so many children on so many different schedules living at home, I could theoretically count on an hour or two of quiet before everyone else wakes up.

A long, long time ago, before I had teenagers, I was used to wake up an hour or two before everyone else, and that was 'my' time. I would write letters, or do housework, or just sit peacefully in the quiet house, until the first stirrings of others would come, and destroy the peace of the day.

At some point it became impossible to wake up early enough, though, as they were all on different schedules, with some staying up until the wee-small hours and others waking up before the sun. That is probably a strong part of why I find myself awake at 3am so often. It can be the only time during which someone else is not awake.

Of course, often enough someone else is awake, even then, so I'm kinda doomed.

I got a surprize hour or two alone yesterday, when all the kids decided to go into Netivot with TH, and RS was out on some errand or other. I was too tired to take advantage of it or appreciate it as much as I would like, but it was still a pleasant happening. Something I'd like to see more of.

My big dog, Balta, is driving me crazy this morning. She scratches at my door to be let in to my room, and then once I am settled she scratches at the door to be let out. It may be good exercise for me getting up over and over again, but I just can't cope. So, for now, she is stuck on the outside. Scratching. Ah, well.

I want very much to catch up on my sleep, and it occurs to me that in all of my fantasies of life in Israel, I never once imagined I would move to Israel, start bleeding so copiously I suffered some brain damage, and spend all my time complaining about not getting enough sleep, while staying in bed all day. NOT what I would ever have dreamed.

I really don't like being like this. Yet, I can recognize that I am better, and that this is better. Maybe if I live long enough, I will be able to manage something resembling a normal life? or at least stop complaining about the life I have?

I was thinking about it yesterday - how different it is for me from the other long-term-disabled people that I know - because all of my friends have been disabled all their lives, whereas I wasn't until after I had three children. I know there are plenty of people who become disabled later in life, I just mean that among my friends, all of the disabled friends have been so since birth or early childhood except for me.

So what is different is that I remember what it was like to be able to walk long distances, and to carry a baby for hours (and to walk long distances carrying a baby for hours). I remember when it was nothing to bend down and pick up a piece of trash from off the floor or the ground, and when I would hop up out of a chair to get a drink or a book or whatever might have just popped into my brain.

I remember caring for animals by myself, and not having a problem with it. And gardening. I had some very successful gardens in my time. I remember dancing, and running, and holding my hands up over my head and being able to keep them there for more than a moment. Not very often any more, but I do remember what it felt like.

I saw an inspirational cripple video yesterday, sent by one of my friends disabled from birth (MD - muscular dystrophy) and the inspirational cripple was also crippled from birth. He may know he can't do things other people can do from watching and seeing others, but he doesn't have the *experience* of being any different than he is today.

So he does things that amaze because he is missing limbs and there is this theory that people who are missing limbs should be helpless, and he has a positive attitude based on looking at what he can do rather than what he can't. But he never LOST anything. It wasn't as if he had those limbs and then had to learn to do everything differently. He grew up learning to do things his way, as his body required.

I don't mean to take away from his accomplishments - he makes a living as an inspirational cripple and he has done an amazing job it seems living in this world where any sort of disability is made harder by the attitudes of others.

I just mean to say that his attitude - that he looks at what he CAN do rather than at what he CAN'T, is definitely made easier by not having had half a lifetime of being able to do those things and then losing them.

FB and the friend who sent that video, and my friend who was formerly in Bareqet likewise have no experience being able to do the things that they can't do. Or rather, in FB's case, it's not that he can't do things, but that they cause him too much terrible pain. Which adds up to 'can't' pretty quickly. While I recognize intellectually it is of no use to compare what I can do today with what I used to be able to do, I'd be more than human if the differences didn't occasionally stagger me.

I remember taking long walks, but more than that I remember not thinking twice about taking long walks. I remember bouncing up out of a chair, but more than that I remember when I didn't have to think about getting up - I just got. Some part of me still feels that I want my life back. THIS isn't my life, it can't be. And yet, it is.

I do NOT mean to say my life is terrible, or bad, or not enough. I just mean that it isn't the life anyone imagines for themselves when they grow up and have everything they ever wanted. Sitting in bed all day most days, or lying in bed, or occasionally sitting up or reclining on a sofa.

Driving the car on good days, where a good day is defined at least in part by being able to walk to the car.

Spending hours a day keeping up with everything on the computer, because it's the only contact I have with the world outside my house most of the time.

Asking other people to do all the things I would do for myself, if only I could get up, or bend over, or handle sharp objects...

Okay, that was my self-pity party for today. I'm going to try to read some more Hebrew, and get on with doing what I CAN do. Which, just at the moment, doesn't include sleeping. Ah, well...

I'm listening to Tom Petty: Makin' Some Noise

:: Yesterdays : Tomorrows ::

~~~Last Five Entries~~~
Hi and goodbye - 2010-10-15
I'll be moving on - 2010-10-10
Gold membership and stuff - 2010-10-10
Decisions, decisions - 2010-10-07
Days to go - 2010-10-06